Power Rangers: Wild Force Hits Bottom

When I originally began writing this post, I thought it was going to be about how 2001’s Time Force was the worst season of Power Rangers I had ever seen. But then, while I was still writing up an early draft of my thoughts, I went ahead and started watching 2002’s Wild Force. From the very first episode, it was clear that I had vastly underestimated just how bad the show could possibly be. It is so much worse than Time Force, and by extension all of its predecessors, on almost every conceivable level. The writing, characters, directing, choreography, costuming, special effects—all of these things and more are flagrantly inferior to anything seen before Wild Force.

Firstly, it can not be overstated how cheap and lazy every facet of the production looks. Creative budgeting and clever cost-cutting are just as much a part of Power Rangers’ DNA as monsters fighting giant robots. The show just doesn’t work without it. Producer Haim Saban had found a brilliantly profitable formula for churning out children’s entertainment. License a popular Japanese TV show (Super Sentai in this case), replace the cast with attractive American (and later Australian) teenagers, but recycle all of the original action footage where the characters are in costume. Technically, they were only making half a show, which was what made such a low-budget hit into an insanely lucrative franchise that has endured over the decades despite a wide variance of quality between each installment. Once Saban discovered that he could replace the beloved first cast with new young actors that were less expensive (and also less talented) without losing the ratings or fans, the race to the bottom of the budget bucket accelerated exponentially.

But it wasn’t just the acting that declined in quality—all of the choreography and stunts suffered cutbacks as well. You see, all of the actors from the first season of Power Rangers were martial artists, gymnasts, or dancers. Walt Jones was all three! I’ll never understand how that guy managed to avoid becoming a huge star. And while acting has never been the priority on any children’s television, the original cast were at least able to convincingly play human teenagers. While most of the big battles are just footage of Japanese stuntmen in costume, there were also scenes where the teenagers with attitude would fight evil henchmen in their street clothes. But all of those elements were gradually whittled away with each new rotation, until we finally arrived at what I thought was the bottom: Time Force. This cast all gave performances so wooden they were frequently upstaged by the background. Most of them had no physical training—one was a dancer, and while the other was a kickboxer, he was cast as the nerdy tech support character who rarely fights. Which meant there was a ton of screen time where nothing of interest was happening. Our heroes were just as dull whether they were talking or fighting. But this, and every other criticism I have of Time Force, is so much worse in the very next season.

Wild Force looks low-budget even by high school drama club standards. The Rangers’ mentor for this season, Princess Shayla of Animaria, is wrapped in a white sheet with plastic flowers in her hair. It bears a striking resemblance to the angel costume my little sister wore in the church Christmas pageant when she was five. It just needs a little set of wings. The only one dressed more cheaply than the Princess is the main villain, Master Org. He is wearing some kind of sheer beige robe with giant shoulder pads that have frills. Not only is it ugly and evocative of nothing in particular, it looks like his grandma sewed him a Halloween costume out of her old drapes. No matter how much he yells and growls, Master Org can never be intimidating nor entertaining when he’s dressed like that.

With such a flat and uninteresting villain to oppose, the Wild Force Rangers feel more like plastic action figures than characters. Seriously, these actors speak like they were recruited from their first acting class. To be fair, the dialogue they are given is garbage, but every actor is so one note that its impossible to tell the characters apart, or even care when they are imperiled. One of this season’s most annoying habits is the overuse of reaction shots—specifically the single nod of acknowledgement. Whenever something noteworthy happens to our heroes, the camera goes around getting closeup nods from ALL FIVE OF THEM. Every. Single. Time. Yes, multiple times an episode. Of the roughly 10% of Wild Force that isn’t taken up by lengthy morphing sequences and kaiju combat, at least a quarter of that is just footage of the Rangers smiling and nodding at each other. Even a child would find this tedious. This is also the first time that the Zords were completely CG, which means they look like they were rendered on a refurbished PS2. I’m sure the effects looked great at the time, but they really don’t hold up in 2026, where even an idle game on your phone has better graphics.

Another first for the series: no one in the cast had any martial arts or similar training. At least, none that shows up anywhere. Combat choreography on Wild Force was slow and simple to match the actors’ limited physical abilities, and the increased use of poorly-concealed stunt performers for the out-of-costume fights only made the cast’s shortcomings as actors all the more glaring. This could have been forgiven if they were at least funny or charming in the wide open spaces left between their lines, but they contributed nothing to a show that was ultimately the sum of its parts: nothing. Over the course of this season, nothing is learned, gained, or lost. The world is ultimately returned to the status quo, and the characters are utterly unchanged by it as the show stubbornly resists all attempts at a story. In the first half of the big two-part finale, the Rangers lose everything—all of their Zords and the crystals that give them their powers are destroyed. It is a common scenario faced by many Power Ranger teams entering season finale territory. At their lowest point, our heroes must find a way to persevere.

So how do the Wild Force Rangers meet this ultimate challenge? Do they dig deep to find untapped reserves of inner strength? Will they acquire new powers, or build new Zords? Maybe they clap their hands really fast to prove they believe in the power of friendship? Or do they stand against evil powerless, and take a beating so heroic that it inspires the people to rise up against the villain? No. None of that happens. The answer is somehow even dumber—all of the weapons and powers the Rangers lost just… come back. That’s it. No repairs, no special tech or magic, no quest to restore what was lost. Our heroes didn’t do anything to cause this. All of their gear just returns out of nowhere, some of it literally falling from the sky, and it’s all good. The Rangers morph it up, make a Megazord or two, and clean Master Org’s clock. Roll credits. Despite technically being a happy ending, that’s a real frustrating conclusion to an already boring story, as well as an insult to the audience’s intelligence. Plus, can you imagine how aggravated previous generations of rangers would be to learn that at their most hopeless point, when they thought all was lost and the universe was doomed, all they had to do was wait for everything to come back? Just strike your poses and shout nonsense for another three minutes, and everything you need to win will literally fall at your feet. Seriously? At least send the Wild Force Rangers to search for an eccentric ninja genius in the jungle or something. Instead they get to take on the final boss once again at full power, like they just dropped another quarter in the arcade machine. Of course the Rangers win this time. Turns out all they needed to achieve victory was a continue. And thus, Wild Force ends with the most egregious deus ex machina seen since the Greeks invented theater.

Fortunately, it seems like the powers that be learned the right lessons from the many failures of Wild Force. The first few episodes of 2003’s Ninja Storm are a huge step in the right direction, with much better choreography and more clearly defined characters (played by better actors) than the previous two installments of the franchise. It would be difficult, but clearly not impossible, to do worse.

Thanks for reading. And hey, if you like Power Rangers and are in the mood for another story full of aliens, robots, cyborgs, sci-fi swords and superpowers, you can find all of that and more in the novel Razorgirl.

The Bests of Bond

I recently completed a viewing of every James Bond film for the first time ever, and it was an illuminating experience in addition to being tons of fun. Even the bad movies still had something to offer, or at least one scene so absurd you could not look away. I am a beginner no more in the Bond Cinematic Universe. Now that I’ve reached the end and done some pondering, it’s of course time for a list of all the “Bests.” We’ll start at the bottom and work our way up.

Best Song: Our first category is a tie between Paul McCartney’s “Live and Let Die” and Tina Turner’s “GoldenEye.” The former because I already liked it as a song I often heard on the radio when I was growing up, completely unaware it was from a James Bond movie until I finally saw the titular title a few weeks ago. But the latter works better as a title song for a spy movie, the orchestral swells adding gravitas to Turner’s gravelly belting.

Best Gadget: As a kid, I always wanted a laser watch because it looked so cool. As an adult, I must admit I do not lead a life where having a steel-cutting laser strapped to my wrist would ever be terribly useful. Today, I would rather be able to drive my car with a cellphone. But I suppose AI cabbies will make that useless pretty soon. Everything else is either an app on my phone already, or a ridiculous weapon I would never bet my life on.

Best Plot: Tomorrow Never Dies was far too prescient for comfort about the future of information warfare in the digital age. Manipulation of the masses through mass media and fabricated facts is currently tearing civilization apart here in the real world, so I guess it’s safe to say this is the Illuminati’s favorite Bond movie.

Best Fight: 007 versus Mr. Hinx on the train in Spectre. It pays homage to the Jaws fight, but improves upon it with better choreography and stunt performers. It is one of the few times you worry that Bond will be physically bested by a foe in the entire series, thanks in large part to a menacingly silent performance by Dave Bautista.

Best Supporting Character: Felix Leiter, Bond’s buddy in the CIA. Specifically the version played by Jeffrey Wright, who’s so charismatic they have to keep his scenes short to avoid upstaging James in his own movie. Everyone should have a friend as loyal as Leiter.

Best Henchman: Jaws. Easily the most visually distinct, and therefore parodied, henchman in the series. A guy his size is already intimidating enough, but then he flashes that titanium smile and starts biting through chains. Despite being an absolute terror to 007 in their confrontations, the audience can’t help but be charmed by his cartoonish mugging for the camera, and even root for him as he tries to wordlessly woo a young lady.

Best Bond Girl: Vesper Lynd is the ideal Bond girl in all the ways that matter. Breathtakingly beautiful, but also cunningly competent. She is still objectified by the men around her, but retains her agency as a character even when damseled by the villain. Smart enough to play James for a fool right from the beginning—he would never have found out if someone else hadn’t told him.

Best Villain: The rogue agent 006. This is a bit of a cheat to include both of my favorite villains. First came Alec Trevelyan, the traitorous agent with a grudge against James in GoldenEye. He hates our hero on a personal level, resorting to oneupmanship and gloating, like a kid desperately trying to prove to their older brother that they’re cool. Second is Skyfall’s Raoul Silva. Although the film never calls him 006, he is a former MI6 agent turned terrorist for hire, so the shoe fits. He is clearly meant to be the dark reflection of Bond, a specter of what might have been for an angry young man with a talent for violence. Forced to choose, I have to say Silva is the more entertaining villain because he is so utterly disinterested in James for most of the movie—007 is just an annoying purse dog to be kicked out of the way so he can assault the old woman he actually wants to hurt.

Best Bond: Obviously it’s Sean Connery. How can it not be? He brought this character to life in such a vivid and entertaining way that he continues to haunt every other actor who has taken on the role in the last sixty years. Every subsequent Bond performance gets measured against his, whether good or bad. Without Connery in the tux, the classic archetype of the suave, debonair and dangerous secret agent man doesn’t become a thing. Because of him, 007 doesn’t just save the world—he makes it look easy.

Best Movie: The toughest category here. Almost every era of Bond had at least a few good movies, with the exception of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. While GoldenEye holds a special place in my memory as the first Bond flick I ever saw, I can’t say it is the best. That honor goes to Goldfinger, the prototype masterpiece every action movie tries to emulate. It solidified a lot of what would become Bond’s film cannon—the cars, martinis, gambling, a superhuman henchman and a huge gunfight finale. 007 even uses his weapons-grade sex appeal to convince Pussy Galore to betray herself, her employer, and even her sexual orientation. This is the movie that made the secret agent man into a rich archetype that cinema continues to revisit to this day. James Bond was always an interesting movie protagonist, but it was Goldfinger that turned him into a cultural phenomenon.

For more secret agent adventures, read the short story “The Agency.”

Beginner’s Bond: No Time To Die

This series has been about my quest to fill the largest gap in my personal cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise. So I watched all of the movies in order (mostly) for the first time, and I have been sharing my honest reactions here. It’s kind of hard to believe this is the last one. 2021’s No Time To Die is the final film for not just Daniel Craig, but James Bond as well. Of course the latter will return when someone figures out how to pump more money out of the IP, but the former was rather vocal about being totally done playing 007. Let’s see if No Time To Die will give them both a worthy finale.

The movie begins with a flashback, which I think might be a first for the franchise. It’s not about James, but Madeline Swann instead. After a harrowing encounter with the villain, young Swann falls into a frozen lake. For reasons unknown, the man who was just trying to kill her helps little Swann out of the water and leaves her in peace.

Back in the present, Mr. Bond and Dr. Swann are enjoying a holiday in scenic Italy. She convinces James to visit the grave of Vesper Lynd, a woman he loved but could not forgive for betraying him. But when he visits, Vesper’s tomb explodes and Blofeld’s men jump out and start shooting at him. After a nerve-racking car chase through the claustrophobically tiny streets of Matera, Blofeld calls and thanks Dr. Swann for her help in setting up a trap for James. With Vesper’s specter quite literally hanging on him, Bond is unable to believe Swann when she insists she is innocent. He puts her on a train and then spends the next five years as a beach bum in Jamaica. His old CIA buddy, Felix Leiter, tracks him down and asks for his help capturing Dr. Obruchev, the creator of a terrible nanobot bioweapon called Project Heracles. However, once the bad doctor is in their custody, Leiter’s partner reveals himself to be a traitor and starts shooting. James manages to escape, but alas, Felix does not.

Bond goes to see Blofeld at Belmarsh Prison, where he runs into Dr. Swann, Blofeld’s psychiatrist. Unaware that the villain has infected her with nanobots, Bond carries them into the interrogation room. Blofeld dies almost the instant James grabs him. The same thing happened to the rest of Spectre as well. At some point Q explains how the nanobots function, able to kill targets with pinpoint accuracy and zero collateral damage. Of course, you could also program it to target specific genetic traits which means… Project Heracles is just a genocide machine that should never be in anybody’s hands.

So, obviously the villain, Lyutsifer Safin (Get it? His name is LUCIFER SATAN), is brewing up an ocean of the stuff at his secret island base. Apparently, this island has been in the Safin family for generations. And that’s really the sum total of everything we learn about Lyutsifer—his family was rich, and then Spectre killed them as a test case for their new weapon. Which inspires the villain to use the same terrible weapon that wiped out his family as a means to hold the world hostage via the threat of targeted extinction.

Swann tries to tell James that her five year old that looks just like him isn’t his, which doesn’t fool him or the audience for a second. Lyutsifer doesn’t believe her either, and uses little Mathilde as a human shield when 007 shows up to stop him. Realizing the whole place is a poison factory, Bond convinces M to order a missile strike on the island. He opens the blast doors and is headed for the exit when Lyutsifer just appears out of nowhere and shoots him. After one of the weakest villain monologues I ever forgot, Lyutsifer reveals that he has contaminated James with the nanobots—he can never see Madeline and Mathilde again, or they will die. And then 007 caps him. I’m really confused as to how and why Lyutsifer, on the verge of escaping from his poison factory as it is going critical, decided to double back alone just to give an extra personal “fuck you” to James Bond. But nothing about that character makes sense, so I guess there are no answers to be found there.

Unfortunately, No Time To Die is saddled with one of the most unremarkable villains Bond has ever faced. Not as forgettable as Dominic Green, but not interesting enough to stand out in the pantheon of bad guys. Lyutsifer is motivated by revenge for his dead family, he has a severe facial scar that also represents his inner turmoil, and he has a really weird way of talking that makes it sound like he’s always about to run out of breath. Poisonous flowers are his hobby and his big plan is to kill most of the people in the world and start a new civilization with himself as the ultimate ruler. This is cookie cutter villainy, evil by numbers. Incredibly well-worn territory, especially in the James Bond franchise. Just like Lyutsifer’s namesake, he could be switched out for any other villain without affecting the story much. We don’t learn anything unique or interesting about him. He doesn’t even justify turning the weapon that exterminated his family into a noose around the whole world’s neck. When he does speak, it’s mostly vague metaphors about flowers. By the end, Lyutsifer comes off as more of a tedious annoyance rather than a vicious adversary, because we don’t even know enough to hate him. I had no idea how he amassed his power, why his men follow him, his twisted philosophy, or even a reason why he wants to take over the world. If it was simply revenge, the death of Blofeld and everyone in Spectre would have satisfied it. Something else had to happen to expand Lyutsifer’s hatred to the entire world, but we never find out what that is, and the villain is all the less compelling for it. And without a worthy adversary, Bond’s struggle is reduced to a formulaic action movie trying to copy the popular tropes of the time.

No Time To Die is a serviceable espionage thriller, but it doesn’t have anything spectacular enough to justify its almost three-hour runtime. “The Death of James Bond” should have been an epic finale, but it is no more special than any of its predecessors. An anniversary release with a recycled villain and a recycled plot simply isn’t special enough to end the best spy in cinema. Also seems cowardly from a narrative standpoint to give him a cliche noble sacrifice (that he couldn’t really escape anyway) instead of giving us a villain capable of defeating 007. Daniel Craig’s era of Bond was fun and technically impressive at times, but none of the sequels he did were anywhere near as good as Casino Royale. For now, No Time To Die remains the final James Bond movie. It certainly won’t last, as each of Craig’s tours in the tux grossed more than its predecessor. A James Bond movie is still a moneymaking machine, and no studio executive can resist using one of those for long.

Now that my long quest is finally over, it’s time to reflect on what I’ve learned. After I sit with it for a while, I will make one more post summarizing my overall perspective on this historic franchise. Might even rank some things, or at least call out the “bests.”

If you’re in the mood for another secret agent adventure, check out the short story “The Agency.”

Beginner’s Bond: Spectre

The “Beginner’s Bond” series is all about filling in the biggest gap in my personal film history: the James Bond franchise. I’m watching all of the movies in order (mostly) for the very first time and recording my honest reactions here. 2012’s Skyfall gave us one of the best Bond villains of all time in Raoul Silva, but padded its runtime by pretending to reveal James’ past. There was quite a bit of filler. And while I really want Spectre to (finally) reveal something interesting about Bond’s history, I’m not hopeful after Skyfall’s broken promises.

After a chase through a Day of the Dead parade in Mexico City, 007 kills bomb maker Marco Sciarra, fulfilling the final posthumous wish of the previous M. He takes a ring with a strange octopus logo on it from the body, and from that he’s able to deduce that Sciarra belonged to some secret society. But since he acted independently without approval from the current M, Bond is suspended. Once again, going rogue poses no real obstacle to Bond since all of the secondary characters he needs to support him instantly agree to continue helping in secret. Even Q’s initial resistance dissipates with just a hearty “C’mon!” And since M, Q, and Moneypenny are really the only characters James interacts with at MI6 anyway, there is no significant difference from the audience’s perspective.

Bond goes to Sciarra’s funeral so that he can sex some information out of his widow, played by a criminally underused Monica Bellucci. Her intel and the ring he recovered are enough to get Bond in the door at one of Spectre’s meetings, where he is recognized and called out by their leader—Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Bond flees in his Aston Martin, pursued by Spectre’s super strong silent henchman, Mr. Hinx. He manages to escape and tracks down Mr. White, a former member of Spectre who had been poisoned with thallium as punishment for his failures in the previous movies. In exchange for information, Bond promises to protect Mr. White’s daughter, a psychiatrist named Madeline Swann. He also provides Mr. White with the means to end his suffering.

Serendipitously, Bond arrives just in time to rescue Dr. Swann from being abducted by Mr. Hinx and his goons, instantly earning her trust. They end up on a train headed towards Spectre’s secret desert base when they are again attacked by Mr. Hinx. In the best scene of the whole movie, Mr. Hinx wrecks the dining car by bouncing Mr. Bond off every hard surface available. The fight harkens back to 007’s iconic clash against Jaws without being derivative, solidifying Mr. Hinx’s position in the pantheon of great henchmen.

Unsurprisingly, the creepy jerk overseeing the merger between MI5 and MI6 turns out to be Blofeld’s inside man. He plans to give Spectre access to the intelligence feeds of nine different countries once their new network comes online. Of course, Mr. Bond and Dr. Swann are immediately captured upon their arrival at Spectre’s base. Blofeld gives a tedious monologue about his animosity for Bond while torturing him by drilling tiny holes in his skull, and as the audience, it feels like we’re strapped to the operating chair with him. Despite Blofeld’s warning that these microsurgeries will do permanent brain damage which will affect Bond’s ability to move and think competently, James deftly escapes the chair and starts effortlessly popping off headshots. It quickly becomes clear that 007 is completely unaffected by having two extra holes in his skull. Perhaps Blofeld overestimated the effects of brain damage.

Mr. Bond and Dr. Swann manage to escape their captor thanks to Q’s explosive wristwatch. They end up getting captured by Spectre again. Blofeld survived the blast with a nasty looking eye scar, and now he has hidden Swann somewhere in the old MI6 building that is scheduled for demolition in three minutes. Of course 007 saves her, shoots down Blofeld’s chopper with a pistol, and arrests the villain. Mr. Bond and Dr. Swann ride off into the sunset in his restored Aston Martin.

As is usually the case in the James Bond franchise, the action is as visually compelling as it is technically impressive. There’s multiple car chases in the classic Aston Martin, as well as an off-road pursuit in a Land Rover, a speedboat chasing a helicopter, and even an airplane chase… on the ground! This movie also contains the largest stunt explosion ever recorded—you’ll know it when you see it. Dave Bautista gives a magnificent wordless performance as the intimidating Mr. Hinx. He steals every scene he enters, and he totally bodies Bond when he’s on the screen. It was almost a shame to see him go.

The first two acts of this movie are an enjoyable enough espionage action romp, but it all falls apart at the end due to some truly terrible storytelling. That narrative collapse begins once Blofeld begins his big villain monologue, revealing that his father had taken in a young orphaned Bond. The film says they were raised like brothers, but James was only there for two years. Apparently Baby Blofeld found Bond’s existence so offensive that he murdered his father, faked his own death, and ran off to found the largest terrorist organization in the world. But he didn’t kill the actual object of his hatred because… he was planning to build an evil empire in the shadows just to fuck with James’ life, who hadn’t even joined the army, much less 00 section, at that point. Hell, he hadn’t even been to university yet. How was teenage Blofeld able to perfectly predict the trajectory of James’ future? No explanation.

Why does Blofeld hate James so much, even thirty years later? He has no real answer. There’s a vague outline of a metaphor about the cuckoo bird. The cuckoo is known for sneaking into nests and pushing out their host’s legitimate offspring in order to monopolize the parent’s care and resources. He gives no examples of James’ offenses. Blofeld doesn’t even raise his voice. His reaction makes neither narrative nor emotional sense. If you hate someone enough to murder your own father and dedicate your life to building an evil empire specifically to destroy them, you have a story about the specific thing they did or didn’t do that makes you burn with an unquenchable fury. There should absolutely be at least one anecdote about young James that Blofeld cannot tell without almost losing his shit. That’s what a thirty year grudge looks like. Sadly, this is not a failing of a sub-par script alone—the usually terrific Christoph Waltz gives a performance so subdued its practically catatonic. He doesn’t so much as frown the whole time, so it’s really hard to believe he hates James enough to burn the whole world down just to spite him. But it’s also incredibly boring to watch an actor who simply isn’t acting. Mr. Waltz sounds like he’s reading from notecards, even when discussing the vengeance he is going to inflict on the person he says he hates the most in the whole world.

In addition, the motivation Blofeld gives is stupid. It would take a legendary performance to make this script work, and Mr. Waltz isn’t up to it this time. Blofeld boasts about doing evil simply for evil’s sake, which is both unrealistic and unsatisfying. That’s a motive for a children’s cartoon villain. Spectre basically rules the world from the shadows, and the point of accumulating all of this power is just to aggravate James Bond? That’s ridiculous. People don’t operate like that. It would make more sense if Blofeld had built the organization to achieve a specific insidious goal, and then later relished having the power to finally crush his ultimate rival. Having him retroactively take credit for the deeds of the previous villains only makes him look weak by comparison. Raoul Silva was ten times the hater that Blofeld was, and he didn’t even need to shout to communicate his rage. This version of Ernst Stavro Blofeld is a mistake, and his entrance completely derails a movie that was a lot of fun before he interrupted.

Don’t get me wrong. Spectre isn’t a terrible movie. Most of it is pretty enjoyable. But it could have been so much more if it had a more substantial villain with some actual character development. This Blofeld is definitely the worst of all the Bond villains I’ve seen, from a narrative perspective. Let’s hope Daniel Craig’s grand finale, 2021’s No Time To Die, learns from Spectre’s biggest mistake.

You can read about a different kind of evil organization in the short story “Rogues Gallery.”

Beginner’s Bond: Skyfall

“Beginner’s Bond” is a series about closing the largest blindspot in my personal cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise. To that end, I am watching all of the Bond movies in order (mostly) for the very first time, and writing down my honest reactions here. On the last episode we barely had time to catch our breath as 2008’s Quantum of Solace rocketed through its tight 106 minutes. Skyfall has swollen back up to a two-and-a-half hour runtime, but it just bloat, or all killer and no filler? Let’s find out.

Once again, making Daniel Craig three for three, the movie opens with James Bond engaging in a reckless pursuit through an incredibly dangerous environment—this time it’s a train. He’s chasing down Patrice, a mercenary who has stolen a hard drive that contains the identities of undercover agents all over the world. As Bond and Patrice engage in fisticuffs atop a moving a speeding train, fellow agent Eve is ordered by M to shoot. Unfortunately, she misses and hits Bond, who falls into a river. He is presumed KIA and Patrice escapes with the hard drive. Cue title sequence, featuring impressionistic animations of Bond drowning while surrounded by the silhouettes of sexy ladies, and a banger of a theme from Adele.

Of course James Bond survived. But he used his death as an excuse to take a vacation and try to drink all the liquor on whatever tropical shore he washed up on. That is, until he sees news of a terrorist attack on the MI6 building in London and decides he must return to duty. Despite failing every test, M returns Bond to active duty and sends him to Shanghai to recover the drive and eliminate the thief. Since he accidentally kills Patrice before getting the name of his employer, Bond resorts to making a scene at a casino in Macau until the bad guys show up to capture him. That choice is going to turn out to be quite ironic by the end of the movie.

On a creepy abandoned island, Bond is introduced to our villain and the highlight of this film: Raoul Silva, played masterfully by Javier Bardem. His introductory monologue reveals that he is a former 00 agent who went rogue after being disavowed by the British government. Now he orchestrates cyberterrorism for hire. He’s basically an evil version of 007. Although Bond is able to turn the tables and capture Silva, it turns out being taken prisoner was part of his dastardly plan to get close enough to kill M. Silva has been holding a grudge since he was betrayed and left to die in a Chinese prison. Fortunately for him, Q was stupid enough to plug a computer recovered from a hostile agent directly into the MI6 network with no sandboxing or safety measures of any kind. It is disappointing to realize that Silva’s entire plan hinges on Q being completely unqualified for his job, and he’s proven right. However, Bond manages to thwart the initial assassination and its backup plan before going to ground at his old childhood home in the Scottish Highlands—Skyfall.

This reveal kind of breaks this version of James Bond for me. The previous films always made it seem like young James was an orphan who came from nothing and had a huge chip on his shoulder about it. The few times Bond’s pre-MI6 past is mentioned, it sounds as if he was basically rescued from the streets by a government that saw him as a potentially useful tool. But according to Skyfall, that’s not really true. Yes, James was orphaned when his parents died by undisclosed means, but he wasn’t left with nothing. Andrew and Monique Bond owned a large estate in Scotland, with its own live-in caretaker and a named manor house—the titular Skyfall. If your house has its own name, you’re definitely no peasant. The movie leaves a lot of blank space to be filled by the imagination, but it does explicitly show us that James Bond is not some starving street urchin forged into the ultimate secret agent man like the previous films led us to believe. Bond came from money and what used to be called “good breeding.” The tuxedo is not the ill-fitting costume Vesper Lynd claimed it to be in Casino Royale—this Bond was always a gentleman.

While it is interesting that Skyfall reveals more about Bond’s past than any of the previous 22 films, the amount of real information is still frustratingly small. Practically nothing beyond the mere fact that his childhood home was still standing, and that he was very sad after his parents died. It’s also rather disappointing that the title is nothing more than the name of the house—it has no greater thematic significance. We don’t even learn why it is called Skyfall before it gets blown to smithereens. A massive missed opportunity, especially since this movie marketed itself on the promise of shining a light on 007’s past. It may be technically true, but it’s not really honest.

Skyfall is also the third movie to attempt and fail a subplot about James Bond being injured. Despite his abysmal scores on the physical, medical and psychological tests, being unfit for duty provides almost no meaningful impediment to Bond. There are a few scenes where the pain almost causes him to lose his grip, but in a movie, something “almost” happening is the same as it not happening at all. His inability to shoot straight never comes into play except when Silva forces him to shoot a shot glass full of whiskey from fifty paces with an antique flintlock pistol, a feat that would test the skills of the world’s greatest marksman under the most ideal circumstances. Even 007 in his prime would most likely miss that one. If the audience is meant to believe that Bond is not what he used to be, that he has in fact “lost a step,” don’t use failing at an impossible task as the narrative proof. The moment falls completely flat.

When I started writing this post, I felt Skyfall was pretty good aside from some minor flaws, but after seeing my thoughts written out, I’m not really sure that’s the case anymore. It was fun to see James Bond matching wits with his evil counterpart/predecessor, and the story of betrayal and vengeance woven between Silva and M is a fascinating bit of drama. But ultimately, Skyfall failed to deliver on its biggest promise. We spend almost half an hour in James’ childhood home and learn practically nothing about him. That needless frustration casts its shadow over the rest of the film, because it’s the last thing you see before the credits roll and wonder: is that it? Not a good sentiment to inspire in an audience.

Skyfall isn’t a terrible movie, but it is hobbled by the huge unforced error that is its third act. Let’s hope 2015’s Spectre learns from its predecessor’s mistakes.

In the mood for another tale of a hero physically grappling with his past? Read my novella El Mescaleros.

Beginner’s Bond: Quantum of Solace

This “Beginner’s Bond” series is about closing the largest gap in this film nerd’s personal cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise. In pursuit of this goal, I am watching all of the Bond movies in order (mostly) for the very first time, and sharing my honest reactions here. In the last installment, I discovered that 2006’s Casino Royale was a little long, but had otherwise aged rather well and was still a lot of fun. Will 2008’s Quantum of Solace be able to avoid the sophomore slump and reach new heights?

Sort of. But not really.

Quantum of Solace begins with a bang, joining 007 in the middle of a high speed car chase through scenic Italy. Bond delivers his prisoner to a secret interrogation with M. They learn of the existence and the reach of a secret criminal organization, which is demonstrated when M’s personal bodyguard turns on them, killing the prisoner before attempting to flee. During a reckless pursuit that nearly destroys a historical building, the traitor is killed. Bond sifts through the traitor’s contacts until he finds a lead that sends him to Haiti. He “rescues” Camille Montes from her assassination attempt on General Medrano in an explosive boat chase. Once they are safely away, she reveals that so-called environmentalist entrepreneur Dominic Greene has agreed to help Medrano overthrow the Bolivian government in exchange for a barren stretch of desert. Bond follows Greene to the opera and uses a stolen earpiece to identify the key leadership of Quantum, the mysterious organization behind all of this. There’s another gunfight and 007 is blamed for killing a member of Special Branch who was actually executed by Greene’s bodyguard to hide his involvement.

M tries to recall 007, but he refuses to obey and stays on the hunt. She has all of his support—passports, documents, identities, payment cards—revoked. Of all the many times James Bond has “gone rogue” in the series, this is the first movie where that has any consequences. It’s only a minor convenience at first, with him having to charter a boat instead of flying to his next destination. Although he is back to wearing tailored suits and drinking martinis in expensive hotels rather quickly, Bond has to avoid the authorities and his former colleagues for the rest of the movie. It rarely happens, so it is quite interesting to see James Bond negotiate a situation where he can’t simply kill everybody.

When James and Camille try to survey Quantum’s Bolivian acquisition from the air, their plane is shot down. They make a crash landing in a sinkhole, where they discover what Dominic Greene is really after: an underground lake that represents over 60% of the country’s freshwater supply. Once General Medrano takes over the country, Quantum will make a fortune selling the Bolivians’ own water back to them at extortionate prices. All of this leads to an ultimate showdown in an abandoned hotel out in the middle of the Atacama Desert. Apparently the building ran on some seriously unstable fuel cells that were just waiting for the slightest tap to explode into flames. The bad guys get killed, the good guys escape. Camille gets her vengeance on Medrano. Dominic is left to die of thirst in the desert, which might be the most poetic end of any Bond villain in the entire franchise.

Quantum of Solace tries really hard to be an upgrade from Casino Royale. It wants to be a leaner, faster, more streamlined action movie. It starts with its foot literally on the gas, and never lets up. Bond rarely gets more than a page of dialogue before the next brutal fight or epic set piece begins. The movie begins in the middle of a car chase, which eventually turns into a foot chase. Then there is a boat chase, and an airplane chase as well! Honestly, I’m shocked they didn’t find a way to wedge another ski chase in there somewhere. Maybe Daniel Craig just doesn’t like to ski as much as Roger Moore.

Quantum of Solace also strives to be more relevant and grounded than its predecessor by making the villain an unremarkable businessman who simply sought to exploit a basic human need (water) for profit. Dominic Greene has no weird deformity, no notable skills, no remarkable henchmen, not even a funny accent. His final battle with Bond looks more like a child throwing a tantrum than a fight between adults. Unfortunately, this makes Greene’s evil so banal as to be completely forgettable, and as a result the main conflict of the movie gets sidelined by Camille’s personal grudge match with Medrano.

While Quantum of Solace is no doubt the faster, more efficient super spy action movie, it cut away a bit too much. The stunt work continues to be impressive, but there’s less story holding it all together this time. Bond’s entire character journey is completely internal—he’s trying to decide whether or not he can forgive Vesper for betraying him in the previous film. That’s a conflict for a novel, where you can spend paragraphs or even chapters interrogating a character’s innermost motivations. Not a movie where something needs to explode every fifteen minutes.

In conclusion, Quantum of Solace wasn’t as good as Casino Royale, but it’s not a bad movie. The fact that the script was finished during a writer’s strike definitely shows in a dragging third act. But I have consistently heard that 2012’s Skyfall is one of the best, so I’m excited to check it out!

If you’re looking for more fast-paced espionage action, check out my novel Razorgirl.

Beginner’s Bond: Casino Royale

“Beginner’s Bond” is a series all about closing the largest gap in my personal cinematic history: the James Bond franchise. I am watching all of the movies in order for (mostly) the first time, and writing down my reactions here. Last time, Die Another Day (2002) closed the book on the Pierce Brosnan era of Bond with a 50/50 record: 2 hits and 2 misses. Today we’ll see Daniel Craig don the dinner jacket for his first outing as 007 in the 2006 movie Casino Royale.

Along with GoldenEye before it, Casino Royale was the rare Bond movie I saw in a theater during its original release. Like many film students about to drop their major in 2004, I watched Layer Cake over and over. Although I had seen Daniel Craig in other movies before, this was the performance that made him stand out as a compelling actor who could command a screen all by himself. Two years later, I went to see Casino Royale because it was a Daniel Craig movie, not a Bond movie. I only recall thinking it was a fun action movie at the time. Let’s see how it looks two decades later.

This film opens in black and white with the grain turned all the way up, the camera tilted at an odd angle like some French arthouse movie. We see our new James Bond make the two kills required to earn his promotion to 00 status. The first is a wet, sloppy and brutal mess—a murder too obvious to sweep under the rug. The second is what we expect from 007: quick, clean, professional. Perfect cloak and dagger tradecraft. Bond admits the second one was much easier.

And then we get one of the more imaginative title sequences of the series. Instead of writhing naked women, we’re treated to colorful silhouettes of men in suits fighting with playing card elements. The sequence is inspired by the original cover design of the 1953 novel, and it is a gorgeous piece of animation. Didn’t really care for Chris Cornell’s song, but it wasn’t distractingly terrible. Of course, the rest of the movie is in color. But we get the black and white message—this Bond is way more serious and dark than your daddy’s 007.

A bomb maker who also happens to be a parkour champion leads 007 on a daring chase through a building under construction. In addition to some amazing stunt work, we see that this brand new Bond is still more blunt instrument than precision blade. He commandeers a bulldozer in pursuit of of his target, wrecks a construction site, shoots his way through an embassy, even literally barrels through a wall at one point. This Bond has the relentless drive and indomitable will we’ve come to recognize in the world’s greatest secret agent, but none of the finesse years of experience will bring. After winning an Aston Martin in a high-stakes poker game, James uncovers a terrorist plot to blow up a new prototype jetliner and just barely manages to avert it in an elaborate action set piece that would serve as the finale for any other movie. This explosive market manipulation scheme was the brainchild of Le Chiffre, enigmatic banker to bad guys around the world, who has now lost a lot of villain money. He organizes a big poker game with a $10 million buy-in in a desperate bid to recoup his losses before his clients come for his head.

Even though James basically committed an act of war on the grounds of a foreign embassy, 007 is apparently the best poker player at MI6, and so he is dealt in. While gambling in casinos is a frequent part of the series since the very beginning, this is the first time I can recall the game being material to the plot. Bond’s actual mission is to beat Le Chiffre at poker, so that the baddie banker will be broke and willing to squeal all his secrets to MI6 in exchange for protection from his irate clients. When the stakes of the poker game escalate, so does the tension of the plot. As we draw closer and closer to the final hand, increasingly dangerous obstacles try to knock Bond out of the game, ranging from a double bluff to men with machetes. Although he wins at poker, Bond ends up naked and tied to a chair while his balls get tortured. Not exactly a banner moment for 00 section.

While this is the most raw and unrefined version of James Bond I have yet seen, it is also the most vulnerable. He is not yet the cold blooded killer who enjoys his work enough to make pithy puns about it, which leads to him being open with Vesper Lynd, and that runs counter to everything we think we know about the character of 007. James hands over his heart in a way he never has before. He even planned to resign from MI6, abandon his duty to run away with Vesper and try to live happily ever after. Since Vesper is played by the captivatingly beautiful Eva Green, I can’t really blame him. Unfortunately, that means she must inevitably betray Bond and suffer a rather dramatic death as a result. Definitely the kind of weapons-grade heartbreak that creates the type of emotionally unavailable serial playboy James Bond will become. Casino Royale is a surprisingly well-constructed character study for a secret agent man origin story.

Since this was Daniel Craig’s first mission in the tuxedo, we have to ask—is he James Bond? There’s no doubt he looks the part, with the piercing blue eyes and chiseled superhero physique. He looks competently vicious in the fight scenes and he really does wear the hell out of that dinner jacket. This version of Bond is probably the most realistic, a tortured soldier teetering on the moral edge of becoming a professional killer, unsure if he truly wants to make that transition. Honestly, it feels quite similar to what Timothy Dalton was attempting to convey with his performance back in the 1980s. The major difference being that Daniel Craig’s portrayal was actually supported by the rest of the movie. He has wit, but no jokes. He’s unstoppable, but not invincible. There is no superhuman henchman to be found, and the most outlandish gadget brandished in Casino Royale is a portable defibrillator that saves Bond from a poisoned martini. That’s as grounded as the series has been since Dr. No, when all MI6 issued their top agent was a silencer for his pistol. But a brand new baby Bond still learning to be the perfect gentleman killing machine for queen and country is a new perspective on the character, and I have no doubt Daniel Craig will find lots of interesting ways to play in that space over the next four movies.

My personal accepted James Bond film theory, back in the before times when I was an ignorant fool who had only seen two Bond movies, was that there was more than one Bond. I figured James Bond 007 was just a codename handed down to different operatives when it became “available.” That was why he was always played by different guys over the years—one day 007 goes on his last mission and a new agent gets promoted into his place. When I saw that Dame Judi Dench was once again playing M, I saw that as proof of the theory. Pierce Brosnan’s Bond no doubt died heroically in the line of duty, and now M was annoyed at having to train a new 007 played by Daniel Craig. It’s a fun idea, but I have since stumbled across posts revealing that all of that is explicitly contradicted by the later films. I’m not sure why they would do that, but I hope it’s at least entertaining.

In short, I would call Daniel Craig’s debut as James Bond a rousing success. It will be interesting to see if 2008’s Quantum of Solace can surpass the very high bar its predecessor has set.

For another intriguing tale of a young operative joining a complex organization, read the short story “The History of Time Travel.”

Beginner’s Bond: Die Another Day

“Beginner’s Bond” is a series of posts about closing the largest gap in my personal cinematic history: the James Bond franchise. I am watching all of the movies in order for the very first time and sharing my reactions here. Last time, The World Is Not Enough proved that the Pierce Brosnan era wasn’t all bangers. Hopefully he will get an appropriately heroic sendoff for his final tour in the trademark tuxedo: 2002’s Die Another Day.

007 is sent to North Korea to investigate a shady arms deal using conflict diamonds as currency. Of course his cover is almost immediately blown, resulting in a gunfight that leads to a silly hovercraft chase. Ultimately, Bond is captured by General Moon and thrown into a torture dungeon. The opening credit sequence’s visuals depict 007 struggling to survive months of “enhanced interrogation” by the North Korean military. While James Bond has been captured numerous times before, he always escapes rather quickly. This is the first time Bond has faced the reality of imprisonment in enemy territory, which could be an interesting narrative element if it wasn’t forgotten as soon as he puts on a clean shirt and has a shave.

James Bond follows a lead to Havana, thankfully arriving just in time to see Jinx (played by Halle Berry) get out of the water. Her entrance and the design of her bikini pay homage to the very first Bond girl from Dr. No—Honey Runner, played by Ursula Andress. Unfortunately, it’s the most beautiful shot in this whole film. For the last twenty movies, cinema’s favorite secret agent has been traveling the world and bringing audiences gorgeous pictures of faraway places. So it is puzzling why so much of Die Another Day takes place in an ice palace that looks like a set built by a college theater company. While there is an impressive chase battle between two cars gliding on ice, most of the finale’s big set pieces are rendered entirely in primitive CG that looks like a cut scene from a PS2 game. The best fight of the whole movie happens at about the halfway point, when Bond engages Gustav Graves in an escalating sword duel. Just like Blofeld before him, Graves’ villainous plan uses diamonds to create a giant space laser that he will use to hold the world hostage. I believe that is the fourth space laser plot for the series.

Sadly, Die Another Day is just a straight-up dud. No fun, no excitement at all. The plot is contrived, driven primarily by coincidence rather than character action. It feels like pieces of several different scripts were stitched together to make this cinematic sleep aid. This movie made the same mistake as On Her Majesty’s Secret Service by including so many references to previous, better movies. Die Another Day did not fare well in the comparison.

Now that it’s all said and done, it seems like Pierce Brosnan just shone too brightly in his first two movies. The ones that followed simply couldn’t keep up. The Brosnan version of Bond was a synthesis of what had come before, perfectly splitting the difference between comedian and killer. It will be interesting to see how much 007 will change (or won’t) when Daniel Craig dons the tuxedo for the first time in 2006’s Casino Royale.

If you’re interested in another violent revenge thriller, check out my novel A Tale of Two Guns.

Beginner’s Bond: The World Is Not Enough

The “Beginner’s Bond” posts tell the tale of my quest to close the biggest gap in my personal cinematic history: the James Bond franchise. I am watching all of the movies in order (mostly) for the first time, and sharing my reactions here. Pierce Brosnan has been killing it as 007, with GoldenEye and Tomorrow Never Dies both being classic espionage thrills dressed up for the modern age. Is it even possible for 1999’s The World Is Not Enough to top that?

Not quite.

The world’s greatest secret agent is sent to retrieve a briefcase full of cash that was lost by a British oil tycoon who just happens to be old friends with M, which is an egregious abuse of state resources, but the movie must go on. The briefcase turns out to be a cleverly concealed bomb, and 007 has just delivered that gentleman his death. As such, his professional pride demands he kill those responsible. The trail leads him to Renard, a former KGB agent turned terrorist for hire. He has a bullet lodged in his skull from MI6’s previous attempt on his life. Although the bullet is slowly killing him, it has also negated his ability to feel pain. As a doctor explains, he will become stronger every day until he dies. The day he took that shot to the head, Renard was holding the tycoon’s daughter, Elektra King, for ransom. Fearing history might repeat itself, M tasks Bond with protecting Elektra. This inevitably leads to Ski Chase Number Six for the James Bond series as our heroes flee down a frosty mountain with heavily-armed snowmobiles in pursuit.

Elektra does a lot of very suspicious shit, like dropping a million dollars on a high card draw in a Russian gangster’s casino. Bond eventually discovers that she didn’t escape Renard all those years ago—she joined him. She’s actually his boss now, the architect of a terrorist plot on a far grander scale than Renard could have ever imagined on his own. They’re going to use a stolen nuclear submarine as a bomb to wipe out her main competitor’s pipelines; all of this sabotage is disguised as a singular hateful act by a random group of rogues. The series does not do plot twists often, and rarely well when it does, but this one was surprisingly effective. While there have been a few Bond girls who worked for the bad guys, Elektra is the first to also be the main villain.

Renard sounds like he would be a formidable henchman based on how all the other characters talk about him. But other than a theatrical demonstration at the beginning of the movie, his inability to feel pain doesn’t seem to provide him with any noticeable advantage. Renard doesn’t absorb damage with a stone face. He grimaces in what looks like pain and goes down when 007 punches him. Everyone says he’s super strong, but he never lifts anything particularly heavy or knocks anyone across a room.

Renard is just the most visible symptom of the biggest problem in The World Is Not Enough. This movie commits the cardinal sin of screenwriting: it does a lot of telling without an adequate amount of showing. There is no evidence of the impressive abilities other characters attribute to him. The film also tries to distinguish itself by giving James Bond a persistent injury, which I believe would be a first for the series. However, that injury only exists on paper that is literally discarded. The only potential problem posed by Bond’s injury is the possibility that he will not be declared medically fit for duty, an obstacle that evaporates the instant it’s revealed that the doctor examining him is a pretty woman. So James Bond goes into the field physically weakened—that could add an interesting layer to the story. But the effect is mostly cosmetic. For the rest of the movie, 007 will grimace and moan every time something twigs his hurt shoulder, and that’s about as bad as it gets. The pain never stops him from doing anything and his shoulder never gives out on him, so Mr. Bond may as well not be injured for all the difference it makes to the movie.

The World Is Not Enough has some fun action set pieces, but it simply can’t compete with its predecessors. It’s slower paced, less propulsive, the excitement is drip fed rather than gushing from the screen. This movie is neither good nor terrible enough to be memorable. The first disappointing miss for Pierce Brosnan’s Bond, but maybe he can bring it back for his last round in the tux: 2002’s Die Another Day.

For more exciting espionage action, read my novel Razorgirl.

Beginner’s Bond: Tomorrow Never Dies

“Beginner’s Bond” is about investigating one of the biggest gaps in my personal cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise. As influential as they are, I had seen almost none of them until now. I am watching all of the films in order (mostly) for the first time, and sharing my honest reactions here. GoldenEye revitalized the series for a new era of filmmaking. Can 1997’s Tomorrow Never Dies possibly follow that act?

In a word: yes!

Tomorrow Never Dies has a propulsive opening, and it just keeps building momentum from there. James Bond is spying on a terrorist arms bazaar on the Russian border, and some stuffy Navy admiral calls for a missile strike before it can be pointed out there are nuclear torpedoes in the blast zone. 007 makes some creative chaos by tossing around explosives, then uses the confusion to steal the jet carrying the torpedoes and fly it out of range just before the bazaar is annihilated. Cue title sequence.

It seems the Pierce Brosnan films are particularly good at cold opens, but the rest of Tomorrow Never Dies follows the same brisk pace, rarely slowing down to let the audience catch their breath. The villain, media baron Elliot Carver, uses a stealth ship and fabricated evidence as well as practical violence to orchestrate a conflict between Britain and China that could easily spiral into World War III. Agent 007 has 48 hours to investigate before the two fleets are within firing range of each other.

Since Carver was able to run news stories about the incident hours before MI6 found out, and also openly brags about taking bribes to increase or decrease the amount of coverage he gives a subject, Bond begins his investigation there. His cover is blown almost immediately, which leads to a gunfight at a newspaper facility, the death of the woman he seduced to gain access, and a rather clever twist on the traditional car chase that sees Bond controlling his vehicle and its many fun gadgets via his cellphone. He eventually joins forces with Wai Lin, a Chinese state security agent on the same case. And since she is played by Michelle Yeoh, she is a gifted ass-kicker that needs no help from a “decadent agent of a corrupt Western power.” They share a motorcycle as a helicopter chases them through Saigon, resulting in some award-winning stunt work that is still breathtaking to behold. Mr. Stamper, the uber mensch du jour, puts up a rather impressive fight, displaying both brains and brawn before ultimately being bested by Bond. But just like in GoldenEye before, 007 is able to kill all the bad guys and blow up the secret floating fortress before the marines ever arrive.

Of all the Bond villains I have encountered thus far, Elliot Carver is the most eerily prescient. His proclamation that information is the weapon of the future rings especially true in the year 2025, where media has become the modern battleground for cultural warfare. While Carver accurately predicted the ability of misinformation to manipulate entire nations, he could not foresee the death of truth. Today, Carver needn’t bother with all the stealth ship shenanigans. He could just run news stories about a conflict that never happened. As long as enough eyes see those stories, the lie becomes accepted and the falsehood is only strengthened by any contradicting evidence. An immoral media mogul of Carver’s stature could start a war from his iPad without ever going to the trouble of actually killing anybody—if he writes his stories the right way, the people will do it for him. That’s what makes him so much more insidious than previous villains—he’s not just murdering people, but convincing them to murder each other.

Didn’t anticipate this happening, but I think Tomorrow Never Dies might be better than GoldenEye. It’s faster paced with bigger and bolder action scenes, including some amazing stunt work, and it introduced the Western world to the magnificent Michelle Yeoh, the most memorable Bond girl yet. The villain has a timeless relevance, and it is a delight to watch 007 take him apart. Now I’m getting excited. Will The World Is Not Enough be even better?

If you’re looking for more sci-fi martial arts action, check out my novel Razorgirl.

Beginner’s Bond: Goldeneye

The “Beginner’s Bond” series of posts is a testament to my efforts to close the largest gap in my personal cinematic history: the James Bond franchise. I am watching all of the films in order for the very first time and recording my honest reactions here for your amusement. Today I’ll be talking about 1995’s GoldenEye, which debuts a new 007 played by Pierce Brosnan. Let’s see how he measures up against his predecessors.

The film opens with 007 running a co-op mission with his pal 006. They infiltrate a secret Soviet weapons lab and place some very familiar-looking mines all around it, but before Bond can hit the boom button, his buddy is captured by the enemy. Soviet Colonel Ourumov orders 007 to surrender, and when he does not comply, 006 is apparently executed. Bond blows up everything and makes a daring cliff-dive-into-a-falling airplane escape before we are treated to one of the more impressive title sequences of the whole series. The song “GoldenEye” performed by Tina Turner is one of the better themes, with thundering drums and bombastic horn stabs that make it sound almost like a cousin to the classic Bond theme.

Nine years later, James Bond fails to stop Xenia Onatopp, an operative of the Janus crime syndicate, from stealing a high-tech attack chopper during a demonstration. She and General Ourumov attack a radar station in Siberia, firing a Soviet orbital EMP weapon codenamed “GoldenEye.” Every electrical device for miles is wrecked, except for the chopper with its cutting-edge countermeasures, so Ourumov and Onatopp escape with all of the materials they need to fire GoldenEye again. 007 is sent to investigate, and that’s when things start going crazy. This movie has almost all the fun stuff you want from a James Bond experience—the corny puns, the classy outfits, the silly gadgets, the super strong henchman, over-the-top fights in difficult environments, and a chase scene with a ridiculous vehicle. Straightening his tie as he crashes through the streets of St. Petersburg in a tank is one of the most 007 images I can ever recall seeing—the wrecking ball in a three-piece suit. Natalya Simonova is an ideal Bond girl: beautiful and distressed, but not helpless. She’s actually integral to helping James figure out the plot. And Xenia Onatopp is a rarity among the pantheon Bond girls. She is the super strong henchman, as well as one of the few that never sleeps with James Bond.

Alec Trevelyan, the former 006, is one of the more fascinating villains of the franchise. He’s the first rogue agent we’ve seen from the 00 section, and his designation suggests he might be the equal of our favorite secret agent. Alec is ruthlessly clever, and quite skilled at solving problems by killing the right people…just like James. There’s also a petulant competitiveness in Alec's interactions with Bond, like an angry little brother desperate to prove he’s the best one. It’s not enough to just kill 007, he has to humiliate him first. Like many villains before him, 006 should have just pulled the trigger when he had his enemy at gunpoint.

Pierce Brosnan is the first actor to truly feel like he was succeeding Sean Connery. While Brosnan’s version of the character is obviously inspired by the original, he also borrows liberally from all the Bonds that came before him. Well, maybe not George Lazenby. Brosnan can hit the darker dramatic tones Timothy Dalton was striving for, but he is equally adept at the moments of broad comedy, delivering the humor without crossing over into the fully cartoonish like Roger Moore. Add in the weapons-grade charisma, and we have a James Bond for the post Cold War era. Pierce Brosnan’s performance successfully threaded the needle between the lighter and darker elements of 007. It’s no surprise that role made him a movie star and revitalized a franchise that many said had outlived its relevance. GoldenEye was also the first film to not use any plot elements from the original texts, proving that Agent 007 was not bound to his creator’s books, a character willing and able to face whatever adventure a writer can throw him into.

Full disclosure: GoldenEye is the film that introduced me to James Bond. I saw it in the theater when I was twelve years old. My mother took me to see it, and it’s the first time I ever recall her getting excited for a movie. It blew my tiny little pre-teen mind. At the time, I was pretty sure it was the best movie I had ever seen. Today it is still among my top three Bond films. And it would be impossible to overstate how influential the video game, 1997’s Goldeneye 007 for the N64, was on both me personally and games as a whole. I definitely wasted a lot of hours playing that game when I should have been doing homework. For a very long time, that was all I knew of James Bond: one movie, one video game, and a lifetime of secret agent jokes in cartoons and TV.

I was happy to discover that GoldenEye still held up pretty well. Even the rudimentary CG looks good despite being 30 years old. I’m genuinely excited to see the rest of the Pierce Brosnan era for the first time. Hopefully Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) will be an equally pleasant surprise.

In the mood for more high-tech espionage action? Read my novel Razorgirl.

Beginner’s Bond: The Timothy Dalton Experiment

The “Beginner’s Bond” series of posts follows my journey to close the largest gap in my personal film knowledge: the James Bond franchise. I am watching all of the movies (mostly) in order for the very first time and sharing my reactions. After 1985’s A View To A Kill concluded Roger Moore’s tenure in the tuxedo, it was time to pass the torch to a younger actor. Timothy Dalton took over in 1987’s The Living Daylights, and returned for Licence to Kill in 1989.

Although Timothy Dalton is one of the finest British actors of our day, he only played James Bond for two movies with terrible scripts, and thus his version of the character failed to distinguish itself from its predecessors in any positive ways. Since both The Living Daylights and License to Kill were bad in the exact same way, I’ve decided to roll them both up into one post.

The cold open of The Living Daylights has Bond and fellow agents 004 and 002 participating in a training exercise when an assassin disguised as a fellow participant kills several British agents and military personnel. That idea was interesting enough for an entire movie, but that’s just the first ten minutes of TLD. After taking out the assassin, Mr. Bond falls onto the yacht of a beautiful scantily clad woman who was literally crying out for a “real man” to fall out of the sky, and he seems barely interested. He makes a half-hearted quip, but I’ve never seen a James Bond less enthused by the prospect of spending time alone with a woman who is equal parts gorgeous and horny. That’s the real problem with this movie—James Bond isn’t having any fun. While he has always been depicted as devout in his duty, 007 also has a really good time getting drunk and laid while traveling the world on a government-sanctioned murder spree. But here the quips are flat and lame, and Mr. Dalton always looks so very serious. This version of 007 takes no pleasure in his work, which makes it that much harder to enjoy watching him do it. And it removes a great deal of the character’s charm.

Dalton was also paired with one of the worst Bond girls I’ve seen yet—Kara Milovy is nothing but a tedious burden the entire time, an albatross hanging around 007’s neck. She has zero agency, being passed back and forth between captors and rescuers like a football for most of the movie. When she is with Bond, she is not only completely unhelpful, but an active hindrance to the mission and a threat to her own safety. While a few Bond girls of the past were walking liabilities, they balanced it out by at least being funny, like when the air-headed Mary Goodnight accidentally hits the self-destruct switch with her butt. Kara is nothing but a needless nuisance, since ultimately her cello is more important to the plot than the woman who plays it.

Licence to Kill has an interesting premise: 007 resigns from MI6 in order to seek revenge upon the Colombian drug lord that killed his friend. The idea of James Bond operating off the reservation, on a personal vendetta without the support of his government, is intriguing. But this movie almost immediately ejects that notion. James still has access to plenty of weapons and intel, and Q even shows up to provide gadgets. So Mr. Bond isn’t really off on a solo revenge quest all by himself. There is no functional difference to the movie. We’ve also seen 007 pursuing personal vengeance before with Blofeld, so LTK doesn’t provide any of the interesting twists promised by the premise. It’s just another action thriller not doing anything terribly original.

Most confusing of all is that LTK has no idea how time works. It opens with Bond and his old CIA pal Felix Leiter on their way to Leiter’s wedding. They get picked up by a chopper en route because Franz Sanchez, the big drug lord Felix has been trying to put away, is in Florida. So they fly down to the Keys and engage in a long gunfight and chase sequence with Sanchez’s men before capturing the kingpin. The chopper drops James and Felix off at the wedding, which is still going on. The bride expresses her relief that the groom was “only a few hours late.” In the meantime, Sanchez is interrogated and prepped for transfer to prison. The transport carrying him is ambushed and Sanchez’s men orchestrate a complex underwater escape for their boss. Sanchez goes back to his house for a change of clothes and a cigar before setting out to take his revenge on Felix Leiter. Somehow he gets the home address of a CIA agent, so he and his men go over and find the happy couple still in full wedding dress, just about to call it a night. Which means this whole convoluted mess, from capture to escape to revenge, happens over the course of a few hours. Not even a whole day!

I don’t think Timothy Dalton was a bad James Bond. It just feels like he’s doing a completely different movie than everyone else involved. If Sean Connery’s Bond was the killer in gentleman’s clothing, and Roger Moore’s was a cartoon, then Timothy Dalton’s version is a Shakespearean tragedy. The very things that make James Bond entertaining to watch—the drinking, gambling, sex and violence—are also slowly destroying him. He is not the carefree killer playboy we’ve come to know over the last fifteen films, but rather a tortured assassin who often finds his conscience at odds with his duty. The movies try to split the difference between the classic camp and modern melodrama, and end up doing neither very well. No matter how sternly Mr. Dalton frowns, a chase down a snowy mountain (Number Five for the series!) using a cello case for a sled is just silly. You can’t take him seriously when he’s driving a car with lasers mounted in the hubcaps, because the world of this film is inherently ridiculous. It’s like an actor shouting Hamlet in the middle of a three-ring circus. The gravitas is lost beneath a cavalcade of clowns.

TLD and LTK are decent as generic espionage action thrillers of the 1980s, there’s little about them that is uniquely “James Bond.” No more gadgets, no silly names, no superhuman henchmen—no fun of any kind! By trying so hard to be “grounded and dramatic,” the filmmakers produced two really bland movies that vanish from memory as soon as the credits roll. These films aren’t bad, but they simply can’t stand toe-to-toe with the barrage of excellent action flicks that released in the same time period.

Up next on “Beginner’s Bond,” the movie that first introduced me to James Bond: 1995’s GoldenEye. I remember it being pretty good. Here’s hoping it holds up 30 years later.

For another tale of a man losing himself on a revenge quest, read the novel A Tale of Two Guns.

Beginner’s Bond: A View To A Kill

“Beginner’s Bond” is a series of posts about my decision to finally close one of my largest blindspots in classic cinema: the James Bond franchise. I am watching all of the movies in order for the very first time, and recording my reactions here. Octopussy took 007 on a fun (if confusing) trip to India. Will 1985’s A View To A Kill provide a worthy finale for Roger Moore?

The movie opens with James Bond in Siberia, recovering a microchip from the dead body of Agent 003. And wouldn’t ya know it, some Soviet soldiers end up chasing him down a mountain on skis. To be fair, the movie does change it up a little by letting Bond lose his skis and have to improvise a snowboard. Although, it does play a Beach Boys song when he first masters the snowboard, which is just trying too hard to underline a joke that isn’t really there. The Bond movies have never relied on cute pop music needle drops, so it feels jarringly out of place here. Since this is ski chase number four in the franchise, I must concede that pursuits down snowy mountains are indeed a consistent element of the Bond mythos.

007 is sent to investigate some shady business going on at the horse track. Billionaire industrialist Max Zorin has horses that miraculously never tire and slow down, a distinct advantage in a horse race. A little intrusive snooping later, Bond discovers that Zorin is implanting his horses with devices that release adrenaline, giving the horse a significant boost on the final stretch without leaving behind anything that would show up on a drug screen. Now that I’ve written that out, it seems to me that—adrenaline or not—a horse is unlikely to run its best race after surgery on its leg. “Whatever!” A View To A Kill boldly declares, “That’s only the tip of this crazy iceberg!”

It turns out that torturing animals for money is the least of Mr. Zorin’s sins. He treats women like objects, verbally and physically abuses his employees, and murders potential business partners when they don’t accept his one-sided offer. Max Zorin delights in his own cruelty purely for the sake of it. On top of all that, it turns out he’s actually a deep cover KGB agent that’s gone off the reservation. Zorin’s got a crazy plan to blow up a fault line beneath California to trigger a massive earthquake that will fill Silicon Valley with seawater. With his primary competition drowned, Zorin will dominate the world market for microchips.

Honestly, capably delivered by Christopher Walken, the plan almost sounds crazy enough to work. He is unique among Bond villains because he genuinely seems to be enjoying himself. When Zorin looks up 007’s resume and sees “License to Kill,” he chuckles. He laughs the hardest when he drowns his workforce and guns down those that make it to shore. Another first for the series—Zorin’s bodyguard May Day (played by Grace Jones) is both a Bond girl and a superhuman henchman.

After a hilariously corny fight with an axe-wielding Max Zorin atop the Golden Gate Bridge, the age of Roger Moore finally comes to a close. With seven movies under his cummerbund, Mr. Moore is still the actor that portrayed 007 the longest. He was James Bond for several generations of young fans. Love him or hate him, that makes him an important part of the filmography. While I stand by my assessment that Roger Moore’s version is essentially a cartoon character, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Live and Let Die was a very bad movie full of very bad things, but the others, movies like Moonraker and Octopussy, are a silly good time. He may not be the most iconic Bond, but he seems to be having the most fun.

Next time on “Beginner’s Bond,” I will be introduced to Timothy Dalton’s version of the character from 1987’s The Living Daylights. Other than George Lazenby, he’s the Bond I’ve heard the least about, but I’ve enjoyed Dalton in many other movies, so I’m tentatively excited.

You can read about a different cabal of villains and the prison that holds them in the short story “Rogues Gallery.”

Beginner’s Bond: Octopussy

“Beginner’s Bond” is the chronicle of my quest to close the largest gap in my cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise. To that end, I am watching all of the 007 movies in order for the very first time and writing my reactions here. Due to a mistake on my part, the last film I watched was 1979’s Moonraker, which was a stupid good time. Let’s see if the film with the strangest title yet, Octopussy, can compare.

I gotta give Octopussy credit—it lets you know up front that this movie is going to be absolutely bonkers. It opens with a clown being hunted through the woods by a pair of knife-throwing twins. He gets stabbed in the back and literally crashes into some shocked British politician’s house to hand him a Faberge egg. And then as soon as James Bond takes a look at it he declares it a forgery. What? The film has been on less than five minutes, and my head is already full of questions that I must have answered. Starting with “Why did this clown sacrifice his life for a fake Faberge egg?”

Mr. Bond swaps the fake for the original during a live auction because he’s just that slick, and then engages in a bidding war to identify his target: prince-in-exile Kamal Khan. From there, 007 takes his usual approach by following the villain around and annoying him until the main henchman knocks out our hero and drags him to Khan’s palace. After escaping his room and snooping around, Bond learns that the prince has been using Octopussy’s traveling circus to smuggle stolen Soviet treasures into the West. Of course Octopussy decides to betray her business partner to help 007 about five minutes after meeting him, because no woman can resist James Bond.

Admittedly, I was unsure as to the specifics of the plot. A corrupt Russian general was smuggling jewels to Khan as payment for setting off a nuclear warhead on some European border for… reasons. Ultimately, I did not care because I was having too much fun. Octopussy pulls out all the classic Bond tropes. There’s a crazy taxi chase through an Indian market, a fight on top of a moving train with Gobinder the superhuman henchman, and 007 dresses up in a gorilla suit to infiltrate a circus. Octopussy leads her team of circus-trained ninja women in a final assault on Khan’s palace. It didn’t matter if any of it made sense—every scene you will see something more ridiculous than the last, and that can be plenty entertaining.

While Octopussy was certainly no masterpiece, it was never boring. I’d say this film and Moonraker are the best of the Roger Moore era thus far. But I’ll see if that opinion changes after I watch Mr. Moore’s final outing in the 007 tux: 1985’s A View To A Kill!

For more wacky sci-fi adventures, read the short story “The Agency.”

Beginner’s Bond: Moonraker

The “Beginner’s Bond” series chronicles my quest to close the largest gap in my personal film history: the James Bond franchise. I have been watching all of the 007 films in order… Well, I had been, until I got to here. When I reached the end of The Spy Who Loved Me, the next movie recommended by the Prime algorithm was For Your Eyes Only, which I foolishly assumed to be the next movie in the series. Why else would it be suggested to me at that moment?

I accidentally skipped over 1979’s Moonraker, but I’m really glad I came back for it. It’s definitely my favorite film from the Roger Moore era so far. This movie completely surrenders itself to the ridiculousness of a Saturday morning cartoon, and the result is a delightful sci-fi dessert of a movie. Not very substantive, but plenty of fun.

The title refers to a space shuttle that is hijacked in mid-flight and disappears without a trace. 007 is sent to investigate, and is almost immediately thrown out of a plane by Jaws. He wrestles a guy in midair to steal his parachute, a scene I have witnessed countless references to. Jaws survives the fall and is instantly smitten with a pretty girl that comes to check on him, an affection that seems to be reciprocated. When he shows up at Drax Industries asking questions, the villain attempts to murder Mr. Bond with a centrifuge. There are two delightfully ridiculous boat chases (one in a gondola!), a fight scene in a museum full of ancient glasswork waiting to be shattered, men getting defenestrated left and right—even a third act heel turn from Jaws. The series gets its second space station evil lair, and its third “exterminate humanity and start over” variety of villainous plot. We get to see a small army of armed astronauts assault a space station with laser rifles, and it’s a pretty awesome action set piece. Hugo Drax is such a creepy weirdo, a wannabe emperor with delusions of grandeur—being expelled into the void like debris is a fitting end for him. And just before the credits roll, we learn that Commander James Bond of Her Majesty’s Secret Service is the first man to get laid in space. Who else was gonna do it?

I still think James Bond is the most entertaining when he skates right on the edge of science fiction—two or three plausible but imaginative gadgets, maybe an impossibly well-armed vehicle, and the occasional jaunt into space. The promise is made in the very first scene, yet it never feels like the movie is in a rush to get there. It has plenty of interesting things to show you along the way.

Moonraker isn’t a brilliant film, but it is a good time. Up next is Octopussy, which wins the award for most bizarre title so far. I can’t wait (or am I terrified?) to find out what it means.

For more sci-fi espionage action featuring beautiful women, read the novel Razorgirl.

Beginner’s Bond: Copy & Paste

“Beginner’s Bond” is the chronicle of my quest to close the largest gap in my personal cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise. I am watching all of the movies in order for the very time and writing down my reactions. So far, the split on quality is about 50/50. We got five really good movies from Sean Connery, one ambitious-yet-boring one from George Lazenby, and two of the worst with Roger Moore. I sincerely hope Mr. Moore can break the trend since he ultimately has the most outings in the iconic tuxedo. Let’s see if he can turn it around in The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) or For Your Eyes Only (1981).

This is going to be another double entry, due to a small mistake on my part. While the intent was to watch all of the movies in order, Prime pulled a fast one on me. Once I had finished watching The Spy Who Loved Me, the “watch next” feature recommended For Your Eyes Only. I assumed that was the next movie in the series, because that is what would make the most sense. How foolish of me. Of course I will go back to watch Moonraker (1979) later, but this mixup proved surprisingly serendipitous. Watching TSWLM and FYEO back-to-back made it clear just how blatantly similar they are, as if the screenwriter of one was cheating off the other writer’s paper. Although historically impossible, it reads as if someone fed a Bond script into an AI and asked it to produce something familiar, but with just enough details changed to give the appearance of a brand new story. Human writers used to be able to cheat on their own; now we outsource it to a machine. It’s a shame, but that’s a topic for an entirely different article.

I’m going to describe the plot of a film. See if you can guess which one it is.

When an important government watercraft disappears, 007 is sent to investigate. He meets and teams up with a dangerous woman who is out for revenge. As they travel the world seeking their target, our heroes in love and are pursued by a superhuman henchman who survives multiple fatal situations. After a daring ski chase down a snowy mountain and some scuba-assisted sleuthing, Mr. Bond is eventually captured by the villain and brought to a secret fortress so that he can explain his evil scheme in detail. Naturally, the world’s greatest secret agent escapes, blows up the base, and still has time to get the girl before the final credits roll. Cut. Paste. Print.

Were you able to figure out which movie I was describing? Trick question. That paragraph is a an accurate summary of both movies. Before I realized my mistake, I was shocked that two movies in a row featured an extended set piece on skis. And now that I know, it’s still kind of silly that this series has had at least three big ski chases. I never knew that was such a recurring trope. But I guess Mr. Bond likes to hit the slopes just as much as the sheets. While I understand that all of these films follow a certain formula, and that’s a big part of the fun, this is the first time its felt like one movie was recycled from another.

One significant difference is the henchman employed— TSWLM introduced us to Jaws, a silent heavy so iconic that I’ve been seeing him alluded to and made fun of my whole life in countless cartoons, TV shows and movies. He was even a playable character in the landmark video game GoldenEye 007, which wasted countless hours I should have spent on homework in 1997. Seeing him in action was an absolute delight. By contrast, FYEO has Bond being hunted by a German biathlete devoid of any personality. Honestly, I don’t even remember how 007 killed him. But I’m crossing all my fingers in the hope Jaws will return for another round.

Roger Moore does a much better job when he’s not saddled with one of the franchise’s worst scripts. His version of James Bond is clearly more of a lover than a fighter, achieving most of his mission objectives through the use of seduction and subterfuge. But even when he’s shooting people and throwing knives, Mr. Moore doesn't capture the killer’s edge that Sean Connery brought to the character. This iteration of 007, the debonair gentleman gambler who knows everything, never misses a shot, and gets every girl—he’s a cartoon. A caricature of the secret agent man archetype established by this very franchise. James Bond has literally become a parody of himself. In any other context, that would be a pretty savage burn, but that’s not what I mean. Roger Moore’s portrayal of 007 isn’t worse, it’s just different. His James Bond is more of a comedian than an action hero. Not a revelatory performance, but serviceable. Fun enough.

Next time on “Beginner’s Bond,” I have to double back and watch 1979’s Moonraker. If this movie opens with another intense ski chase, I’m going to be concerned. I never knew skiing was such an important part of espionage. From what I can tell, Moonraker appears to be set in outer space, so it’s unlikely there will be any snow. But I’ve certainly learned by now that nothing is impossible when it comes to James Bond.

If you want to read more high-tech espionage action, check out the novel Razorgirl.

Beginner’s Bond: Intro to Roger Moore

“Beginner’s Bond” is the tale of one movie nerd trying to close the largest gap in his cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise. I am watching all of the films in order for the very first time, and leaving my thoughts on each one here. Diamonds Are Forever reminded me of what a good 007 movie looks like, and I’m curious to see how Roger Moore fares in the iconic tuxedo.

However, today’s post is going to be a little different. This time, I’m going to cover two movies at once—Live and Let Die (1973) and The Man With The Golden Gun (1974). Sadly, both are pretty bad movies for many of the same reasons, so I don’t want to belabor the point with two whole posts about the same thing.

The best part of Live and Let Die is the title sequence, featuring the song of the same name by Paul McCartney and Wings. This is the first Bond theme I had heard on the radio and in other movies when I was growing up. I never knew it was a James Bond song—thought it was just another cool psychedelic rock track. Unfortunately, once the opening credits conclude, it all goes downhill with impressive speed. The film “borrows” inspiration from the blaxploitation genre that was popular at the time, and ends up creating the most racist Bond movie I have yet seen. MI6 sends 007 to Harlem to investigate the deaths of multiple agents under mysterious circumstances. His investigation leads him to Mr. Big, who isn’t a megalomaniacal supervillain so much as a really shrewd drug kingpin. He’s not trying to take over the world with a death ray; Mr. Big just has a fairly clever plan to corner the heroin market and get rich. With one exception, every single black person James Bond encounters in this movie works for the bad guys. Every cab driver, cook or cop—an entire congregation performing a fake funeral march in New Orleans to secretly remove corpses from the street. Even poor Rosie Carver, the first African American Bond girl, turns out to be a double agent employed by Mr. Big. Voodoo beliefs and practices are depicted as black magic used by a cult of criminals who gather to do tribal dances in traditional dress while performing the ritual sacrifice of a white woman. James Bond’s distaste for this “strange” culture is regrettably pronounced. He looks utterly disgusted by everything he sees in this film, unable to believe people really live this way. And to mention the obvious, the very white, very British man James Bond is the worst spy you could assign to infiltrate Harlem or New Orleans. He does not escape notice.

The Man With The Golden Gun is more entertaining than its predecessor. While it demonstrates a profound ignorance of Asian cultures (particularly around martial arts), it’s not as egregiously offensive as Live and Let Die. I counted at least four Chinese characters that were good guys, which is a small but significant improvement. In this film, 007 meets his match: Francisco Scaramanga, an assassin of incomparable skill who always kills his targets with a single golden bullet fired from a matching gun. Scaramanga is actually a fan, considering Mr. Bond his only true equal in the field of violence. In pursuit of his quarry, 007 follows the trail from Macau to Hong Kong, and then on to Thailand. Throughout the journey, different peoples and cultures of Asia are treated as basically interchangeable. James is captured and taken to the enemy’s karate school to fight its students in death matches, which makes no cultural sense. Karate is Japanese, and so at the time it was vanishingly unlikely there would be a functioning dojo in Thailand. Muay Thai is the native martial art of Thailand, yet the students use moves and forms that are neither. Apparently an army of killers is trained here, but when James kicks the asses of their two top students before making his escape, aided by the Hong Kong cop and… his nieces that he’s picking up from school? The cop uses kung fu, while his nieces use wuxia-style moves more suited to stage fighting than real combat. Whatever move the enemy does has to be very broad and slow so that Roger Moore can actually block it and counterattack. As a result, the movie manages to make martial arts training look like a liability in a fist fight. Which is such a strange deficiency to find in a film that is clearly inspired by Bruce Lee’s kung fu masterpiece Enter the Dragon, which had released the previous year. But at least The Man With The Golden Gun doesn’t cast an entire race of people as evil.

Unlike its predecessor, The Man With The Golden Gun has a few highlights that make it easier to watch. Christopher Lee’s portrayal of Scaramanga is fantastic despite a deficit of worthy material to work with. At the end of the movie the script just staples a generic death ray plot onto a villain not suited to it, but Scaramanga’s childish delight at getting to play cat and mouse with the object of his admiration is infectious. It’s also fun for the audience to watch a character that is capable of outsmarting and manipulating James Bond. For the first time, our favorite secret agent spends most of the film on his back foot. This movie also contains one of the most perfectly-executed practical car stunts ever captured on film, a corkscrew jump off broken bridge with a flawless landing. Bumps Willert, the stunt driver, nailed it on the first try. He got a standing ovation on the set and a $30,000 bonus, both well-deserved. But the director put a slide whistle to the scene, which undercuts the awesome stunt that just happened and turns it into a cartoon.

Finally, let’s talk about the man of the hour. Roger Moore—is he James Bond?

A tentative yes. Moore clearly isn’t trying to imitate Sean Connery. He’s trying to build his own version of Bond, and it has potential. This version of 007 is extra campy, addressing more one-liners to the camera than either of his predecessors. Moore is certainly adept at playing the dashing debonair gentleman part, but this Bond is a cold and calculating sociopath compared to Connery’s restrained killer. He wields violence like a scalpel, not a hammer. The flaw in the performance is that Moore plays Bond as too unflappable. There’s no threat that can’t be dismissed with a brief witticism, and it gets difficult to escalate things in the third act when the main character has the same blasé reaction to extrajudicial murder as he does to champagne that hasn’t been properly chilled. The audience isn’t going to believe the stakes are raised if the hero still hasn’t raised an eyebrow. I don’t need to see James Bond have an emotional meltdown, but he should have more than two reactions to pick from in every situation. If 007 looks bored with the whole thing, the audience will be too.

So Roger Moore wasn’t that bad, despite being given two of the worst scripts in the series. I’m willing to give him the chance to really explore the character and refine his performance. All that is to say… I really hope The Spy Who Loved Me isn’t this bad. Maybe it’ll just be cheesy and outdated instead of outright offensive. Fingers crossed.

In the mood for more ridiculous sci-fi action? Check out the short story “The Agency.”

Beginner’s Bond: Diamonds Are Forever

“Beginner’s Bond” is about my quest to close the largest gap in my personal cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise. I’m watching all of the movies in order for the first time and recording my reactions here. Our last subject, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, was the first true dud of the series—I had to split up my viewing because I kept falling asleep. Let’s hope Diamonds Are Forever is nothing like it.

First and foremost, Sean Connery is back. It speaks to his prowess as an actor that the film is so drastically improved simply by putting him back in the role. Every scene is at least three times as interesting as anything that happened in OHMSS. That’s the quality that turns an actor into a bonafide movie star. You hear his voice before he ever appears onscreen, and a wave of excitement hit me as soon as I heard it. On an instinctual level my brain was saying “Yes! This is gonna be good.” There’s a reason the studio was willing to pay $1.25 million to get him back, which was the most a screen actor had ever been paid at the time.

The movie begins with 007 trotting the globe, following Blofeld’s trail, and he is not fucking around. The sequence is immediately compelling because (up to this point) we have rarely seen Mr. Bond so enraged that his human mask slips and we see the coiled violence beneath. He doesn’t even try to seduce the half-naked woman that has the intel he wants, which would typically be his first approach. Instead, he skips straight to literally choking the answer out her. When he finally catches up to the object of his hatred, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, he doesn’t kill him quickly. No, Mr. Bond decided to drown him in goo. He spent time and effort making his enemy’s final moments as agonizing as possible. While James has always had a rather cavalier attitude about killing people, I don’t think I’ve seen him be so intentionally cruel before. That’s where we get some of our truest insights into a character—when they do something that is unusual for them.

M orders Bond to investigate a diamond smuggling ring, suspecting that the culprits intend to manipulate prices by dumping. 007 fakes his own death (the second time) in order to infiltrate the smuggling operation. While he chases rumors of diamonds around, a creepy pair of assassins, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, stay just a few steps ahead, eliminating every link in the smuggling chain. Of course, James’ investigation leads to a casino, then to an eccentric billionaire that turns out to be a front for his old pal Blofeld. Apparently Mr. Bond merely drowned his body double at the beginning of the film. Blofeld eventually reveals his plot, and I believe this is the first instance of a villain holding the world hostage with a space laser, a trope that became so popular it’s practically a cliche now.

All in all, Diamonds Are Forever is a fun return to form for the franchise. It has almost all the big hits: sci-fi gadgets like the voice changer, numerous overcomplicated impending death traps, beautiful women with silly names like Tiffany Case and Plenty O’Toole. And while Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are not superhuman, they are interesting enough characters to compensate. A pair of proficient killers who enjoy their work and love to make belabored puns about death—Mr. Bond was essentially fighting two extra crazy versions of himself. And once again, Sean Connery gives a masterful performance of a man who is as dangerous as he is charming. This movie is everything that is fun about James Bond, just more of it. I wonder how the next film, 1973’s Live and Let Die will measure up. Roger Moore has some pretty big shoes to fill, and I hope he’s up to it!

If you’re in the mood for another story of revenge gone wrong, read my novel A Tale of Two Guns.

Beginner’s Bond: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

These “Beginner’s Bond” posts are an account of my quest to close the largest gap in my personal cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise of films. I am watching all of 007’s adventures for the very first time and recording my reactions here. This time I’m in for something a little different with the 1969 movie On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

The film opens with our hero rushing into the ocean to save a woman attempting suicide by beach. The distressed lady is Contessa Teresa “Tracy” Vincenzo, who just happens to be played by Diana Rigg, one of the most beautiful women of ‘60s cinema. So she’s obviously the love interest from scene one. Bond gets kidnapped, the first of many times this will happen in the movie, and brought before Marc-Ange Draco, the kingpin of a massive European crime syndicate. He offers James a million dollars to marry his daughter, Tracy. Mr. Bond counteroffers that he will continue to see Tracy if Draco will help him track down Ernst Blofeld, the leader of the terrorist organization known as SPECTRE—which also happens to be the biggest competitor to Draco’s crime syndicate.

Blofeld’s villain lair is disguised as a research facility atop the snowy mountain of Piz Gloria. In order to infiltrate, Mr. Bond goes undercover as Sir Hilary Bray, a genealogist with the London College of Arms. This is because despite all of his wealth and power, Blofeld still covets the title of Count, as if that would finally make him a respectable gentleman. The wannabe count who claims to hold the world in his iron fist is still desperate for recognition from the kind of people who do not care about anyone outside their social strata. Even holding the power of life and death over every living thing on Earth, Blofeld is nothing so much as he is pathetically lonely, willing to kill millions people just to get the attention of elitists who will never see him as an equal no matter how many titles he manages to accumulate. It’s honestly the first time I found a Bond villain more pitiful than hateful, and that’s really no fun.

The longest Bond movie ever, clocking in at just under two-and-a-half hours, concludes with a big set piece shootout at a snowy mountain base—proof positive that OHMSS is definitely Christopher Nolan’s favorite Bond movie. That setting has been practically cut & pasted into Inception. There’s a thrilling chase on skis, and at one point Bond looks super cool firing a machine gun while sliding on ice, but all the energy and excitement built up from the big bombastic action sequence completely deflates as Bond and Blofeld look like toddlers wrestling in a runaway bobsled against the most obvious blue screens.

Director Peter Hunt removed a lot of the more fun elements established by earlier entries in the franchise—there are no sci-fi gadgets, no Aston Martin with machine gun headlights, and no superhuman henchman to defeat. And yet despite going to great pains to remove all of these “silly things” from his vision of James Bond, the movie continuously calls back to its predecessors, reminding the audience over and over again that these films used to be a lot better. There’s actually a scene where Mr. Bond takes some of his classic gadgets out of his desk drawer and stares at them with sentimentality as the themes from previous (much better) movies play. This and a few other mistakes were made with the intention of creating a continuity of character, so that viewers would know that this new actor was still playing the same James Bond they have come to know and love over the last five films. Except it did the exact opposite, showing us all the cool stuff 007 movies used to do before Peter Hunt decided to throw them out in pursuit of his vision of a slower, more boring Bond movie with enough blank space to take a nap and not miss any of the action. The misguided Mr. Hunt often made a big deal out of how “accurate” his adaptation was to the novel, including every single event from the original text regardless of narrative necessity. But there are no prizes for accuracy in filmmaking, nor any penalties for cutting out tedious wastes of time. A slavish recreation of the source material has never been a reliable indicator of a good movie, and that has not changed over the last fifty years.

The biggest and most obvious departure from what came before is that Sean Connery is not playing James Bond this time. For the sixth movie in the series, they decided to replace one of the most charismatic actors in the history of film with George Lazenby—an Australian model who had no acting experience, training, or talent. While he is effortlessly affable for most of the movie, that’s his only mode. Being friendly and likable is enough to make it through a photo shoot or a cocktail party, but Lazenby never gives the impression of coiled violence that simmered beneath Connery’s every scene. The original Bond was a killing machine that simply performed humanity in order to go undetected—he may play the boozy playboy as a cover, but he has no hesitation dropping all pretense of fun when it’s time to go to work. Lazenby’s Bond is just on a Swiss vacation—his natural charm works in scenes where Bond is socializing with the upper crust in their mansions and casinos, but his demeanor never changes. This version of Bond blows his cover because he can’t stop sleeping with all the pretty ladies employed by the bad guy, which just makes the character look stupid. Did he really think he could bang his way through the entire staff without Blofeld hearing of it?

The worst outfit James Bond has ever worn

OHMSS does an impressive job of making a conventionally handsome man look absolutely terrible for the majority of the movie’s runtime. Like the obvious attempt and failure to cover a mole on his chin with makeup that only draws more attention to what they were trying to hide. The costume department must have been holding a contest to dress their star in the ugliest outfits they could devise. One scene in Blofeld’s office has 007 dressed head to toe in beige polyester—he practically disappears into the room’s decor. The action scenes look like bad slapstick rather than professional violence, even by the standards of 1969. The moment when Bond snaps at his commander for taking him off the case falls completely flat as Lazenby, who is supposed to be losing his temper and telling his superiors to go screw themselves, looks more like he is struggling to hold in a fart until he can leave the room. During the section of the movie where Bond infiltrates the Piz Gloria facility under the guise of Sir Hilary Bray, Lazenby’s voice is dubbed over by another actor because he was incapable of performing the most basic foundational element of acting: talking like another person.

James wondering if he can hold that fart until the meeting is over

Honestly, even though George Lazenby was the biggest glaring flaw in a film full of them, none of it is really his fault. It was a bad idea to hire a guy with no acting aptitude at all to follow up a role that was originated by one of the most charismatic movie stars to ever grace the silver screen. Tossing Lazenby in the deep end with no lessons or coaching was a worse idea. Throwing away all the fun stuff that was in the James Bond toy box and calling attention to the absence multiple times is one of the most puzzling unforced errors to be found in fiction. Nothing was broken, but Peter Hunt decided he had to “fix” it all anyway, and the result is the dullest 007 flick yet, the first in this series to make me fall asleep. Hopefully things will look a little brighter with the return of Sean Connery in Diamonds Are Forever.

For another story of a man on a mission that goes terribly wrong, check out my novel A Tale of Two Guns.

Beginner’s Bond: You Only Live Twice

I’ve loved watching movies of every variety since I was seven years old, but James Bond has always been a notable absence in my personal film canon. These “Beginner’s Bond” posts are meant to document my reactions as I watch all of the films in the 007 franchise for the very first time. Previously, 1965’s Thunderball set the bar for ridiculousness pretty high—or so I thought.

You Only Live Twice started with a spaceship swallowing another smaller spaceship, and I just knew whatever restraints the studio previously labored under had been cast aside. While the United States and the Soviet Union bicker over who is stealing whose spacecraft, the masterminds at MI6 are pretty sure the answers will be found in Japan. So naturally they send their best operative, 007 himself, to Hong Kong to fake his death so that he can swim to Japan after being buried at sea and meet his contacts at a sumo tournament. James falls through an embarrassing number of trap doors as he tries to investigate the disappearing spacecraft with the assistance of Japan’s secret service.

An assassin silences Bond’s contact, but Bond manages to kill the assassin back. Then he uses the dead man’s uniform to sneak into Osato Chemicals. There he learns that SPECTRE is brewing up tons of rocket fuel, before he is seduced/interrogated by Helga Brandt, Number 11. She locks him into his seat aboard an airplane and sets off a smoke bomb in his face before bailing out mid-flight. Of course, Bond is able to free himself, land the plane, and flee before the flaming plane explodes.

Bond discovers Blofeld’s secret volcano lair while flying around in an autogyro, which looks like the skeleton of an unfinished helicopter. He wasn’t sure until four attack choppers came after him, confirming there was definitely some supervillain nonsense going on. James goes undercover to train with ninjas and go through an unfortunate montage where makeup and eye prosthetics are applied to make Mr. Bond “look Japanese.” He’s even assigned a wife to complete the cover identity. While Kissy Suzuki proves to be a valuable addition to the team during the final battle, I’m puzzled as to why all of this subterfuge was necessary. James doesn’t use his new Japanese identity to walk into any place that was previously inaccessible to him as a white man. James, Kissy, and a small army of ninjas mount an all-out assault on the volcano lair, where he actually utilizes a different disguise—a spacesuit that completely concealed his face. 007 saves the day by preventing another spaceship from being swallowed, and self-destructs Blofeld’s imperial star destroyer before doing the same for his villainous volcano lair.

There’s just no real reason Bond needed to be Japanese for any part of this mission. I guess it’s no less ludicrous than anything else happening in this movie, but it’s a lot less fun when it’s racist. Which brings me to some of the more toxic elements that have proven to be consistent thus far. At least once a movie, sometimes more, James will force a kiss on an unwilling woman who stops resisting when she realizes she likes it… which is barf-worthy writing, and sadly, probably the inspiration for a generation of sexual predators.

Another unfortunate trend I’ve noticed in all five movies thus far—no matter where he goes, James is always assisted by a “local contact” of some variety. These locals are never white and essentially operate like manservants. They perform all manner of errands for Mr. Bond, which sometimes includes most of the real espionage work. A hotel valet is out there sneaking photos of a secret terrorist rocket-launching facility while James recons the blackjack tables or attends an entire fake wedding ceremony with his cover wife. Don’t get me wrong—when the shooting starts, 007 always acquits himself admirably. But perhaps if he did more of his own homework, so much shooting wouldn’t be necessary.

While the dated racial insensitivities were annoying, they didn’t ruin what is an otherwise fun action movie full of beautiful people saying pithy things in between explosions. Its full of classic secret agent tropes: elaborate death traps like burning planes and ponds full of piranhas, silly gadgets like the dart-shooting cigarettes, a secret underground lair, and one exceedingly well-armed vehicle. There was no superhuman henchman this time, but I loved the reveal of the cat-petting Blofeld. I had always associated that with the Inspector Gadget villain Dr. Claw—30 years ago, I had no idea this Saturday morning cartoon was referencing a movie I had never seen.

Or had I? Memories are weird. Once the ninjas began to storm the villain’s volcano lair, I realized that it was actually You Only Live Twice, not On Her Majesty’s Secret Service as I had originally supposed, that I watched in that fuzzy childhood memory of a family vacation. But OHMSS is the next stop on “Beginner’s Bond,” the first film without Sean Connery. Will it make a huge difference? I have no idea. And that’s kind of exciting.

In the mood for more high-tech espionage action? Read my novel Razorgirl.