Beginner’s Bond: Copy & Paste
“Beginner’s Bond” is the chronicle of my quest to close the largest gap in my personal cinematic knowledge: the James Bond franchise. I am watching all of the movies in order for the very time and writing down my reactions. So far, the split on quality is about 50/50. We got five really good movies from Sean Connery, one ambitious-yet-boring one from George Lazenby, and two of the worst with Roger Moore. I sincerely hope Mr. Moore can break the trend since he ultimately has the most outings in the iconic tuxedo. Let’s see if he can turn it around in The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) or For Your Eyes Only (1981).
This is going to be another double entry, due to a small mistake on my part. While the intent was to watch all of the movies in order, Prime pulled a fast one on me. Once I had finished watching The Spy Who Loved Me, the “watch next” feature recommended For Your Eyes Only. I assumed that was the next movie in the series, because that is what would make the most sense. How foolish of me. Of course I will go back to watch Moonraker (1979) later, but this mixup proved surprisingly serendipitous. Watching TSWLM and FYEO back-to-back made it clear just how blatantly similar they are, as if the screenwriter of one was cheating off the other writer’s paper. Although historically impossible, it reads as if someone fed a Bond script into an AI and asked it to produce something familiar, but with just enough details changed to give the appearance of a brand new story. Human writers used to be able to cheat on their own; now we outsource it to a machine. It’s a shame, but that’s a topic for an entirely different article.
I’m going to describe the plot of a film. See if you can guess which one it is.
When an important government watercraft disappears, 007 is sent to investigate. He meets and teams up with a dangerous woman who is out for revenge. As they travel the world seeking their target, our heroes in love and are pursued by a superhuman henchman who survives multiple fatal situations. After a daring ski chase down a snowy mountain and some scuba-assisted sleuthing, Mr. Bond is eventually captured by the villain and brought to a secret fortress so that he can explain his evil scheme in detail. Naturally, the world’s greatest secret agent escapes, blows up the base, and still has time to get the girl before the final credits roll. Cut. Paste. Print.
Were you able to figure out which movie I was describing? Trick question. That paragraph is a an accurate summary of both movies. Before I realized my mistake, I was shocked that two movies in a row featured an extended set piece on skis. And now that I know, it’s still kind of silly that this series has had at least three big ski chases. I never knew that was such a recurring trope. But I guess Mr. Bond likes to hit the slopes just as much as the sheets. While I understand that all of these films follow a certain formula, and that’s a big part of the fun, this is the first time its felt like one movie was recycled from another.
One significant difference is the henchman employed— TSWLM introduced us to Jaws, a silent heavy so iconic that I’ve been seeing him alluded to and made fun of my whole life in countless cartoons, TV shows and movies. He was even a playable character in the landmark video game GoldenEye 007, which wasted countless hours I should have spent on homework in 1997. Seeing him in action was an absolute delight. By contrast, FYEO has Bond being hunted by a German biathlete devoid of any personality. Honestly, I don’t even remember how 007 killed him. But I’m crossing all my fingers in the hope Jaws will return for another round.
Roger Moore does a much better job when he’s not saddled with one of the franchise’s worst scripts. His version of James Bond is clearly more of a lover than a fighter, achieving most of his mission objectives through the use of seduction and subterfuge. But even when he’s shooting people and throwing knives, Mr. Moore doesn't capture the killer’s edge that Sean Connery brought to the character. This iteration of 007, the debonair gentleman gambler who knows everything, never misses a shot, and gets every girl—he’s a cartoon. A caricature of the secret agent man archetype established by this very franchise. James Bond has literally become a parody of himself. In any other context, that would be a pretty savage burn, but that’s not what I mean. Roger Moore’s portrayal of 007 isn’t worse, it’s just different. His James Bond is more of a comedian than an action hero. Not a revelatory performance, but serviceable. Fun enough.
Next time on “Beginner’s Bond,” I have to double back and watch 1979’s Moonraker. If this movie opens with another intense ski chase, I’m going to be concerned. I never knew skiing was such an important part of espionage. From what I can tell, Moonraker appears to be set in outer space, so it’s unlikely there will be any snow. But I’ve certainly learned by now that nothing is impossible when it comes to James Bond.
