Beginner’s Bond: You Only Live Twice

I’ve loved watching movies of every variety since I was seven years old, but James Bond has always been a notable absence in my personal film canon. These “Beginner’s Bond” posts are meant to document my reactions as I watch all of the films in the 007 franchise for the very first time. Previously, 1965’s Thunderball set the bar for ridiculousness pretty high—or so I thought.

You Only Live Twice started with a spaceship swallowing another smaller spaceship, and I just knew whatever restraints the studio previously labored under had been cast aside. While the United States and the Soviet Union bicker over who is stealing whose spacecraft, the masterminds at MI6 are pretty sure the answers will be found in Japan. So naturally they send their best operative, 007 himself, to Hong Kong to fake his death so that he can swim to Japan after being buried at sea and meet his contacts at a sumo tournament. James falls through an embarrassing number of trap doors as he tries to investigate the disappearing spacecraft with the assistance of Japan’s secret service.

An assassin silences Bond’s contact, but Bond manages to kill the assassin back. Then he uses the dead man’s uniform to sneak into Osato Chemicals. There he learns that SPECTRE is brewing up tons of rocket fuel, before he is seduced/interrogated by Helga Brandt, Number 11. She locks him into his seat aboard an airplane and sets off a smoke bomb in his face before bailing out mid-flight. Of course, Bond is able to free himself, land the plane, and flee before the flaming plane explodes.

Bond discovers Blofeld’s secret volcano lair while flying around in an autogyro, which looks like the skeleton of an unfinished helicopter. He wasn’t sure until four attack choppers came after him, confirming there was definitely some supervillain nonsense going on. James goes undercover to train with ninjas and go through an unfortunate montage where makeup and eye prosthetics are applied to make Mr. Bond “look Japanese.” He’s even assigned a wife to complete the cover identity. While Kissy Suzuki proves to be a valuable addition to the team during the final battle, I’m puzzled as to why all of this subterfuge was necessary. James doesn’t use his new Japanese identity to walk into any place that was previously inaccessible to him as a white man. James, Kissy, and a small army of ninjas mount an all-out assault on the volcano lair, where he actually utilizes a different disguise—a spacesuit that completely concealed his face. 007 saves the day by preventing another spaceship from being swallowed, and self-destructs Blofeld’s imperial star destroyer before doing the same for his villainous volcano lair.

There’s just no real reason Bond needed to be Japanese for any part of this mission. I guess it’s no less ludicrous than anything else happening in this movie, but it’s a lot less fun when it’s racist. Which brings me to some of the more toxic elements that have proven to be consistent thus far. At least once a movie, sometimes more, James will force a kiss on an unwilling woman who stops resisting when she realizes she likes it… which is barf-worthy writing, and sadly, probably the inspiration for a generation of sexual predators.

Another unfortunate trend I’ve noticed in all five movies thus far—no matter where he goes, James is always assisted by a “local contact” of some variety. These locals are never white and essentially operate like manservants. They perform all manner of errands for Mr. Bond, which sometimes includes most of the real espionage work. A hotel valet is out there sneaking photos of a secret terrorist rocket-launching facility while James recons the blackjack tables or attends an entire fake wedding ceremony with his cover wife. Don’t get me wrong—when the shooting starts, 007 always acquits himself admirably. But perhaps if he did more of his own homework, so much shooting wouldn’t be necessary.

While the dated racial insensitivities were annoying, they didn’t ruin what is an otherwise fun action movie full of beautiful people saying pithy things in between explosions. Its full of classic secret agent tropes: elaborate death traps like burning planes and ponds full of piranhas, silly gadgets like the dart-shooting cigarettes, a secret underground lair, and one exceedingly well-armed vehicle. There was no superhuman henchman this time, but I loved the reveal of the cat-petting Blofeld. I had always associated that with the Inspector Gadget villain Dr. Claw—30 years ago, I had no idea this Saturday morning cartoon was referencing a movie I had never seen.

Or had I? Memories are weird. Once the ninjas began to storm the villain’s volcano lair, I realized that it was actually You Only Live Twice, not On Her Majesty’s Secret Service as I had originally supposed, that I watched in that fuzzy childhood memory of a family vacation. But OHMSS is the next stop on “Beginner’s Bond,” the first film without Sean Connery. Will it make a huge difference? I have no idea. And that’s kind of exciting.