The Bests of Bond

I recently completed a viewing of every James Bond film for the first time ever, and it was an illuminating experience in addition to being tons of fun. Even the bad movies still had something to offer, or at least one scene so absurd you could not look away. I am a beginner no more in the Bond Cinematic Universe. Now that I’ve reached the end and done some pondering, it’s of course time for a list of all the “Bests.” We’ll start at the bottom and work our way up.

Best Song: Our first category is a tie between Paul McCartney’s “Live and Let Die” and Tina Turner’s “GoldenEye.” The former because I already liked it as a song I often heard on the radio when I was growing up, completely unaware it was from a James Bond movie until I finally saw the titular title a few weeks ago. But the latter works better as a title song for a spy movie, the orchestral swells adding gravitas to Turner’s gravelly belting.

Best Gadget: As a kid, I always wanted a laser watch because it looked so cool. As an adult, I must admit I do not lead a life where having a steel-cutting laser strapped to my wrist would ever be terribly useful. Today, I would rather be able to drive my car with a cellphone. But I suppose AI cabbies will make that useless pretty soon. Everything else is either an app on my phone already, or a ridiculous weapon I would never bet my life on.

Best Plot: Tomorrow Never Dies was far too prescient for comfort about the future of information warfare in the digital age. Manipulation of the masses through mass media and fabricated facts is currently tearing civilization apart here in the real world, so I guess it’s safe to say this is the Illuminati’s favorite Bond movie.

Best Fight: 007 versus Mr. Hinx on the train in Spectre. It pays homage to the Jaws fight, but improves upon it with better choreography and stunt performers. It is one of the few times you worry that Bond will be physically bested by a foe in the entire series, thanks in large part to a menacingly silent performance by Dave Bautista.

Best Supporting Character: Felix Leiter, Bond’s buddy in the CIA. Specifically the version played by Jeffrey Wright, who’s so charismatic they have to keep his scenes short to avoid upstaging James in his own movie. Everyone should have a friend as loyal as Leiter.

Best Henchman: Jaws. Easily the most visually distinct, and therefore parodied, henchman in the series. A guy his size is already intimidating enough, but then he flashes that titanium smile and starts biting through chains. Despite being an absolute terror to 007 in their confrontations, the audience can’t help but be charmed by his cartoonish mugging for the camera, and even root for him as he tries to wordlessly woo a young lady.

Best Bond Girl: Vesper Lynd is the ideal Bond girl in all the ways that matter. Breathtakingly beautiful, but also cunningly competent. She is still objectified by the men around her, but retains her agency as a character even when damseled by the villain. Smart enough to play James for a fool right from the beginning—he would never have found out if someone else hadn’t told him.

Best Villain: The rogue agent 006. This is a bit of a cheat to include both of my favorite villains. First came Alec Trevelyan, the traitorous agent with a grudge against James in GoldenEye. He hates our hero on a personal level, resorting to oneupmanship and gloating, like a kid desperately trying to prove to their older brother that they’re cool. Second is Skyfall’s Raoul Silva. Although the film never calls him 006, he is a former MI6 agent turned terrorist for hire, so the shoe fits. He is clearly meant to be the dark reflection of Bond, a specter of what might have been for an angry young man with a talent for violence. Forced to choose, I have to say Silva is the more entertaining villain because he is so utterly disinterested in James for most of the movie—007 is just an annoying purse dog to be kicked out of the way so he can assault the old woman he actually wants to hurt.

Best Bond: Obviously it’s Sean Connery. How can it not be? He brought this character to life in such a vivid and entertaining way that he continues to haunt every other actor who has taken on the role in the last sixty years. Every subsequent Bond performance gets measured against his, whether good or bad. Without Connery in the tux, the classic archetype of the suave, debonair and dangerous secret agent man doesn’t become a thing. Because of him, 007 doesn’t just save the world—he makes it look easy.

Best Movie: The toughest category here. Almost every era of Bond had at least a few good movies, with the exception of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. While GoldenEye holds a special place in my memory as the first Bond flick I ever saw, I can’t say it is the best. That honor goes to Goldfinger, the prototype masterpiece every action movie tries to emulate. It solidified a lot of what would become Bond’s film cannon—the cars, martinis, gambling, a superhuman henchman and a huge gunfight finale. 007 even uses his weapons-grade sex appeal to convince Pussy Galore to betray herself, her employer, and even her sexual orientation. This is the movie that made the secret agent man into a rich archetype that cinema continues to revisit to this day. James Bond was always an interesting movie protagonist, but it was Goldfinger that turned him into a cultural phenomenon.